Facebook messenger partner

We worked closely with four partners to integrate messaging capabilities into their products so people could message their Facebook friends — but only if they chose to use Facebook Login. These experiences are common in our industry — think of being able to have Alexa read your email aloud or to read your email on Apple’s Mail app. Facebook has partnered with the World Health Organization (WHO) once again to make it easier for users to access credible information about COVID-19. The social media giant has launched a new chatbot on Messenger, which users can use to send questions to the ‘Health Alert’ service. Of course, these Facebook cheating signs aren’t a 100% guarantee that your spouse is being unfaithful. But they are certainly indicators that something could be awry. Only you know your partner well enough to make a final decision about whether they are cheating on Facebook Messenger, or any other social media platform. Facebook Messenger added a new section on privacy to its website this week to give users one place to find information on the messaging application’s privacy, safety and security features. A Facebook messenger spy app such as mSpy will let you catch your husband’s or boyfriend’s chat activities over the Internet. Moreover, you will be able to save chat conversations and other data to view later or use it as a evidence to prove your partner’s dishonesty. How can I hack my partner’s Facebook messenger. The deep desire to take what does not belong to us started long ago in the Garden of Eden as typified by Adam and Eve. This innate desire to enjoy what is stolen was further developed by Jacob when he deprived his brother of his birthright. In our modern era, cases abound of people cheating one ... 2. Facebook Messenger Is Their Preferred Chat Platform. Thanks to technological advent, there are several chat platforms available. So it’s quite suspicious if your partner chooses Facebook Messenger over others. They are likely talking to someone else on Messenger. facebook messenger free download - Messenger Kids, Facebook Messenger, Facebook Desktop Messenger, and many more programs Today all are aware of Facebook messenger and each user of Smartphone is having Facebook account and is using platform on regular basis. It is the popular social networking site that allows user share the photos, do video and audio calls and post the status on daily basis. 6 Signs Your Partner Is Facebook-Cheating Even when there's no sex involved, the pain of infidelity can be real. Posted May 14, 2014 . SHARE. TWEET. EMAIL. 224 COMMENTS. THE BASICS.

I think I've reached my limit with my JustNoMom

2020.09.26 21:03 Dicky_McDickface_II I think I've reached my limit with my JustNoMom

I'm not sure if I need advice on how to progress or if I just need a place to talk. It's a long story so I will try to keep it as short and straight to the point as I can.
For background, my mum (72) repeatedly disregards my boundaries and opens my mail - usually a credit card statement to start an argument about my finances. When she visits me, she continues to snoop around my room when I've asked her not to. Then there's the way she talks to me and flies off the handle - it's bordering on abusive and we've spoken about it time and again.
Currently she lives in Europe and is planning on returning to the UK next month, for good. Partially Brexit (she's had ages to prepare), partially because she's no longer entitled to health care there (refuses to become a permanent resident) and her passport actually runs out in December.
Over the course of the pandemic, our Facebook messenger calls have grown from weekly to daily. I've tried to keep her calm and reassure her during a stressful time for both of us. But our relationship has been toxic for years - she's never fully interested in what I have going on or how I'm feeling...she constantly cuts me off to talk about herself. For instance, I told her my girlfriend was sick and isolating and had passed out the night before and I think she might need a covid test. Her response, or her interruption was 'oh its so hot here, I'm just so tired and have no energy'. That's the standard.
But over 6 months, I have offered to fill out housing applications for her online, I've looked at air bnb, hotels (short term) flats to rent and rooms to let and I booked her flight back. The only thing I've told her I won't do, is call strangers to enquire about rooms as she can message them - I even set her up on gumtree so she can browse and message anyone she likes.
But she keeps insisting that she needs me to call "insert random name". She will call me in a frantic hurry and claim I need to call this person NOW. Then gets extremely angry when I tell her I'm not prepared to do it and if she really wants a telephone call - she can log into Skype which I set up for her on her ipad she can buy a new, cheap mobile from the shop around the corner.
Last time this happened (Wednesday) we got into a massive fight and I snapped. I'm not proud to say I yelled and she hung up on me telling me she'd wait until I'd calmed down before she calls me again.
You might think I should just call these people on her behalf. But I have a ton of other things going on alongside her sudden desire to return - including a sick girlfriend who like me, is bordering on having a breakdown as she's also juggling her parents seperating and needing help with housing etc).
I'd told her earlier that day that I was really struggling with my mental health and needed to take a couple of days off work to reset. I hadn't eaten a home cooked meal in weeks and so had purposely bought something in to cook for myself - she called me that night as I was cooking and when I tried to explain - she accused me not helping because I didn't want her to come back and that's the moment I lost it.
Now, my mum also needs to self isolate for 2 weeks when she lands in the UK. And I can guarantee she will appear at my door because 'she has no option'. I can't say no, because I can't turn her away. But I'm also working from home, it's a small house with little chance to distance ourselves and the thing that bothers me - is she can comfortably afford a place for a fortnight. She can comfortably afford to buy herself a new house - but doesn't want to.
Another point, is that she helped me to buy this house and has used me as a base to stay for summers (8 weeks at a time) for 11 years. After paying her rent but also being responsible for repairs and replacing a boiler*...I'm realising that I've been played. This house wasn't to help me get on the property ladder at all - it was somewhere she could claim rent but return whenever she pleases. At 36, I have effectively lived with my mum on her terms, without me knowing for 11 years.
I'm now at the stage where I think I need out of this toxic situation but if I walk away and rent a 1 bedroom place, she would still try and stay with me. I want to buy a place with my partner but not with the exception that my mum will crash in our spare room whenever she pleases.
Apologies for the length of this post. The entire situation has my stomach in knots and I'm really anxious. If she doesn't settle down in a house of her own, leaving me to get on with my life...I think I need to go non contact. Something I don't feel I have the stomach for.
submitted by Dicky_McDickface_II to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 05:41 ThrowRA3211234567890 Wife (27F) lied to me (27M) and I am afraid I'm slowly starting to hate her

This argument happened a little while ago but I am still feeling the fallout from it.
About two months ago I went through my wifes facebook messenger because I was suspicious about something She was going to a house tour at 9pm with a friend who I have always gotten bad vibes about. This ended up being truthful (private landlord) but I still found some stuff when I searched keywords. One of these being messages with her friend a few years back saying she has faked every orgasm she has ever had with me except for one where she pretended I was a woman. Not going to lie, but that is very emasculating to see as a man, let alone finding out that she's told all her friends about how I can't make her orgasm.
Now this on its own is a lie, but way back at the start of our relationship, maybe about a year in, I found out she had been faking because she told her friend and I saw the text while she was sitting next to me. This lead to a heart to heart where I asked her to not fake anymore, and just tell me what she wants and that I would be willing to listen and help and that lying about it doesn't help either of us. She agreed to this. This was almost 7 years ago when we were 20 years old. So I found out that even after that, she continued to lie to me about it without even batting an eye. It doesn't help that everywhere I look to try and find help with my feelings all I see is shit about how men are horrible in bed and that its always our fault for "not listening" even though I practically begged her to tell me so we can both enjoy having sex. Since then we've had sex a few times but I have had to force myself to do anything to please her and keep thinking "how is this my problem". I get that thats not the right mindset but its still what I think. Everytime she tells me something now my brain always says "Do not trust her, she's a liar". Everytime we cuddle I always think "Get her off of you, she's a liar". I love my wife and I do not want to think these things, but I can't help it. I have tried to ignore it and I can't, and I'm not sure what to do. She just bought a bunch of vibrators after I confronted her and they make me disgusted just looking at them as if they're a monument to my failures as a man. I get that thats not what I'm supposed to think or feel and that I'm supposed to be happy about her "finding her sexuality" or whatever but I'm not happy and I feel like shit. It doesn't help that she was just playing with them on the couch (not masturbating but just like turning them on and checking all the settings) when she's never even really tried to initiate sex with me. I'm so god damn embarrassed that my wife told all her friends that I don't make her orgasm and didn't even think to talk to me about it. There's who knows how many people out there with intimate knowledge of my sex life that I wasn't even privy too. I hate her for making me feel like this and that makes me feel even worse because I do not want to hate my wife. I hate that I feel like I shouldn't even try to sexually please her anymore because "whats the point"? I tried for 7 years and apparently none of that worked or mattered and she had no issue lying directly to my face about it. I don't know what to do. I don't have insurance and I can't afford therapy because we already spend most of our disposable income on her therapist (diagnosed depression (luckily she is still on her parents insurance)). I just want any advice on how to be able to process this in a healthy way. I don't want a divorce but I can't imagine that me being disgusted when she touches me will help in anyway. Has anyone gone through something similar? Please don't just comment to tell me how I have failed as a sexual partner and a man, I've gotten that enough from any of my "friends" I've tried to talk with about this. I'm so tired of hating myself and feeling like a failure. Thanks to anyone who read all this.

TLDR: Found out my wife has been lying about orgasms for 7 years after she promised to be open about sexual stuff with me after I caught her lying about them during the first year we are dating. I have been hating her since then and want to not do that.
submitted by ThrowRA3211234567890 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 02:14 Coltshan000 Seeking Longterm Rp Partners [18+]

Hello my ladies and gents, I hope this post finds you well and that this will be the beginning of a budding friendship. I am newly twenty three years old and would like to forge new stories and worlds both new or preexisting. I dont have any bias or preference to the age or experience of my partner, and I like to have ooc talk and chatting with my partners, be it for getting to know one another, getting clarification about an scene or character, or simply talking about each others days. I live in a pretty small town and there isn't many places to go spend ones time or go out even, so I return to my years comfort to fill that social need we all require and the exercise of imagination we crave so dearly.
My interests and fandoms(Premade Settings or Properties) are listed below to what what I like or enjoy to see in rp's. •Fantasy •Medieval •Bronze/Classical Age •Iron Age •Post Apocalypse •Romance •Adventure •Slice of Life •Furry •CharactePlayer Character Art •Anime •Sci-Fi/Futuristic/Space

•Alien

•My Little Pony •Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles •Power Rangers •Undertale/Deltarune •Phantasy Star Universe •Dynasty Warriors/Romance of The Three Kingdoms •Five Nights At Freddie's •Resident Evil •Dragon's Dogma •Final Fantasy •World of Warcraft •Narnia •The Banner Saga •The Shadow of Colossus •X-Men •Spider Man •Fire Emblem •Fallout •Elder Scrolls •Thundercats •Bravestar •Dragon Age •Legend of Zelda •Furry •Alien/Predator •Avatar: The Last Airbender •Ben 10 •Gundam •Deltora Quest •Digimon •Dragon Ball Z •Final Fantasy •Generator Rex •High School of The Dead •Inuyasha •Halo •Kingdom Hearts •Legend of Dragoon •Lord of The Rings •Megaman •Metroid •Pokemon •Spectrobes •Star Trek •Star Wars •Stargate-SG1 •SWAT Katz •Transformers •Warcraft •Avatar •Adventure Time •Dark Souls •Doki Doki Literature Club •RWBY •Two Kinds •Steven Universe •Hunger Games •Percy Jackson •Game of Thrones •Rosario Vampire •High school DxD •Overlord •Silent Hill •Sonic the Hedgehog •Detroit: Become Human •She-Ra and The Princesses of Power •Divinity Original Sin(Rivellon) •Corruption of Champions •Trials in Tainted Space •Outward

•Overlord

Feel free to message me directly to get my Discord, Facebook Messenger, or even to rp here.
submitted by Coltshan000 to RoleplayPartnerSearch [link] [comments]


2020.09.25 22:00 KollSt0rm Met a girl while at a school event, had a great time and I'm interested, but now what?

So as I said in the title, I was out at board game night at my University earlier this week and met with a bunch of new people. While there, I sat next to a girl who explained what game was being played, and from there we had a nice conversation that it seemed we were both getting in to, it was overall a good night.
I added her on Facebook (Messenger is the normal social media here), but I haven't sent a message yet. From what I've seen with her, she ticks all the boxes for traits I usually admire in a partner, but I'm not sure how I should put myself out there without coming off as needy/desperate.
Any advice would be great :)
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2020.09.25 19:29 apjsullivan Confused, anxiety is doing a thing again...

My partner (21M) and I (20F) have been together for 4 years now, and our communication has its up and downs sometimes as any other couple. However, I’ve been working a lot (7am-10pm everyday) and he’s at home unemployed still because of the pandemic. I know that part of my anxiety comes from me not being home much, and my brain tends to fill in the blanks on it’s own but I can’t seem to shake this feeling...
A few nights ago when I got home, he was in our room watching tv and texting on Facebook messenger. He stopped and put his phone away right when I came in and sat down, but he immediately pounced on me so I discarded it. The reason why I saw this as weird is because he never uses Facebook, and about a month ago we deactivated our socials. Only for him to be on them again not even 2 weeks later. But again, I discarded it because he’s an adult with free will and I don’t want to be an asshat.
Now onto today, I’m currently at work and 20 mins ago I get “happy belated birthday” message from a relative. Before I open I see my partner’s icon in the corner saying that he’s active. Almost immediately, the icon disappears. This combined with what happened a few nights ago (and my ptsd) is raising my anxiety. I think that he saw that I was active (which I rarely am) and he closed the app. But why? I’m not sure, he’s never cheated on me before but I’m working 50-60 hours a week and I’m kinda worried. Thoughts?
TL;DR- My boyfriend never used FB messenger up until recently, and he is being a bit suspicious when he uses it around me. We’ve never had a convo on that app, should I be worried? Is this even worth bringing up to him?
submitted by apjsullivan to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 12:04 IWillD0Better The guilt, shame, regret and lust are the toughest parts to beat - some mitigation thoughts for each

Guilt, shame, anxiety, regret and lust and the resulting lack of sleep are the name of the game after about a week pornfree. Not a surprise (happened quite a few times before when trying to quit without the help of this community) but hitting me really hard since I stopped watching.
  1. Guilt about hurting girls in the past with my lies. Mitigation thoughts I try to tell myself:
    1. You did the best you could with the tools you had.
    2. You can't fix it now no matter how hard you try.
    3. You've kept track of each girl and each is in a better place than they were with you. You didn't break them. You can safely forget about them.
    4. Be better tomorrow.
  2. Regret I missed real opportunities for happiness both physical and relationship-y with amazing women because I was too dumb watching porn all the time and lusting after something else without realizing what's in front of me (e.g., In frustration because I couldn't get it up, I told my gf that it was because she had small breasts. She was easily the best sex partner I've ever had. We broke up two weeks after.). Mitigation thoughts I try to tell myself:
    1. Want to miss opportunities again? No. Then do other things than watching porn when even a minor urge comes.
    2. Masturbate if you want, just don't watch porn or anything visual to make it happen!
  3. Lust after all attractive women. Mitigation thoughts I try to tell myself:
    1. Sexualizing every common act (from pizza delivery to home repair to divorce lawyers to motherhood to girlfriend's best friend to teachers to neighbors) is the most perverse thing the porn industry does to keep you hooked. Every common act becomes a trigger, especially if it involves a good-looking woman, if it doesn't have a sexual outcome.
    2. All the social media encourages sexualization tremendously. Cut it. You can still message on FB Messenger without Facebook. Never-ending scrolling feeds are the worst.
    3. Eliminate triggers. Any triggers.
    4. If you're not sleeping, eating healthy, working out, studying, spending time with quality people, what are you doing? Chris Hadfield, ex-commander of the ISS said: "In my line of work, I'm always preparing for something. I don't watch TV." We all have plenty to prepare for in life including death. In other words, you can always get better at something.
Before posting this I slapped the urge in the face. I deleted the last vestige of #3 where I was keeping a trello board of women I fantasized over - exes, actresses, etc. - in order to keep myself motivated to study and exercise. 'tis gone. Small step but a good step.
If the above helps one dude beat one urge, I'll be very content :)
submitted by IWillD0Better to pornfree [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 22:11 Nacho_Queen33 For the last couple of days I have been having issues with the “last active” part of messenger. Has anyone else had any problems?

My Facebook messenger “active” statuses are not working correctly?
Before I begin, I just want to add that in my settings I have “show active” switched on so I know that this is not the issue.
Essentially, for the majority of my friends on Facebook now their ‘last active’ status has disappeared, suddenly over the weekend. It shows if they are active with the green dot but then nothing, the last active option disappears. I know they havnt all switched to “appear offline” as it’s happening with my dad and he has not changed his, neither has my partner and it’s happening on his too.
Additionally, sometimes it will change and say active and remain working until it says ‘active 35 minutes ago” then it will just stop working again for some people.
I have deleted and download Facebook and Messenger multiple times and have reset my phone but it is has not changed.
Also, I used my dads phone to just check out the issues and I couldn’t see when I was last active, that had disappeared too and, as stated, I have my active status as on?
Anyone have any suggestions on how to fix this or experiencing these problems?
submitted by Nacho_Queen33 to facebook [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 22:02 Nacho_Queen33 My Facebook messenger “active” statuses are not working correctly?

Before I begin, I just want to add that in my settings I have “show active” switched on so I know that this is not the issue.
Essentially, for the majority of my friends on Facebook now their ‘last active’ status has disappeared, suddenly over the weekend. It shows if they are active with the green dot but then nothing, the last active option disappears. I know they havnt all switched to “appear offline” as it’s happening with my dad and he has not changed his, neither has my partner and it’s happening on his too.
Additionally, sometimes it will change and say active and remain working until it says ‘active 35 minutes ago” then it will just stop working again for some people.
I have deleted and download Facebook and Messenger multiple times and have reset my phone but it is has not changed.
Also, I used my dads phone to just check out the issues and I couldn’t see when I was last active, that had disappeared too and, as stated, I have my active status as on?
Anyone have any suggestions on how to fix this or experiencing these problems?
submitted by Nacho_Queen33 to techsupport [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 12:53 Alone-Improvement Got dumped and blocked after 2.5 years because I want/need non-monogamous relationships

Hi, just wanna share my painful experience.
A little recapitulation of my situation: I was deeply invested in a relationship which lasted nearly 3 years and startet out with the label "open" on my partners initiative (which I welcomed). Unfortunately there were different expectations (which I learned much later). open meant meant for me: I want to develop a long lasting non-monogamous relationship in some form. For my partner it was more like: It is my first real relationship and I'm not so sure about it yet.
Then we had several crisises when I lived the open part. we handled them and lived mono phases. in the second one my partner wanted to try having sex with someone else which I encouraged her to and which she liked. However she felt like it's unfair to then prohibit me from living it on my end. In the process she got hurt, probably her personal boundaries were stretched a little hard and she couldn't bring herself to ask for a stop when she was overwhelmed by jealousy/insecurity. we've been in another mono phase after we handled that. about 6 month later we had other problems in the relationship plus she/we had sexual problems (pain from sex) which made everything harder I guess. After she went for some weeks visiting her parents I've told her that I don't really want to continue living monogamous. Her reaction/solution was to end our relationship because she didn't want to feel the pain of potential more failed non-monogamous experiments. It was an emotional and kinda consensual break-up. I took stuff of mine on the same occasion with me home. After that I noticed she blocked me on messenger services/Facebook. when we wrote sms about giving her her stuff she wanted it without having to meet me personally.
It was a few month ago and currently I'm still/again heavily in the breakup pain. It feels so bad that I gave so much and was heavily invested in this relationship and like I'm just not enough still for her because I wouldn't want a monogamous relationship. Additionaly I really hate it that she just decided to break contact immediately without communicating it (other than blocking me). When I asked about a meeting to talk after 2 months she wrote she thinks that would just be a waste of time and probably just "passive aggressive interaction". She doesn't want contact "medium term".
I still fantasize about being with her again and even consider a monogamous relationship hypothetically. I know it isn't what I really want though and I would have to sever ties to other beautiful humans in my life maybe then again.
I just miss her near me so much and feel she put me on a catapult out of her life and now I can't do anything to reconnect in any way. I think she loved me also deeply and this may be a reason why she required such a hard cut for herself. However it hurts me deeply and is really hard to accept for me to just lose her completely like this from one day to the other.
Thanks for your interest :-) Advice on how to cope welcome
submitted by Alone-Improvement to polyamory [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 11:55 Galactivale [FOR HIRE] Facebook ads manager, get sales today!

The marketing that will be provided to your customers should ultimately combine the company’s vision, features, target market, and market benefits. But most importantly, generate consistent sales.
This is our Facebook marketing process
social media service that handles everything from ideation of your content calendar to optimizing your ad campaigns.
Advanced Targeting
Hyper-targeted audiences on Facebook to reach users who are most susceptible to what you're advertising
Easy Revision Process
See your content and suggest revisions before they get promoted on various ad placements.

Monthly Review
Receive white-label documents monthly for updates, reports, and recommendations. This includes the Social Media Content Plan and Social Media Insights

Month 1: The Process
Social Media Assessment
We audit yoursocial media pages and give initial recommendations to improve their visibility.
Social Media Playbook Creation
The tone of voice to use, themes and topics to talk about will be established here. This will contain the Facebook audience targeting and projected reach and results of the ad campaigns based on the given budget. The content and promotional strategies from the first month onwards will be discussed in this document.
Social Media Content Plan with Calendar Plotting
Ad campaigns will be monitored throughout the campaign cycle. Targeting will be optimized in accordance to the performance of the ads. This includes adjusting the ads’ audiences, bid strategies, and placements.

Ad Monitoring and Optimization
Ad campaigns will be monitored throughout the campaign cycle. Targeting will be optimized in accordance to the performance of the ads. This includes adjusting the ads' audiences, bid strategies, and placements.
Social Media Insights
Monthly Reports include analysis of the cycle's results and recommendations for the next cycles.
Requirements
Below are the key access requirements we need to effectively start the campaign. We strongly recommend at the end of the pitch to the client, to request for access while preparing the contract. Here are the access requirements: Add as Partner to an Existing Facebook Business Manager (if available) Shared assets assigned with admin role: -Facebook Ad Account (if already existing) -Facebook Page (if already existing) -Facebook Pixel
Brand Guidelines (if any) Product or Service Photos and/or Videos

Monthly Ongoing
Details
Details Profiles Setup: Facebook & Instagram Paid Ad Creation: Up to 8 (content will run as sponsored posts with placements on Facebook, Instagram, Messenger, and Facebook's Audience Network) Available Objectives: Page Promotion, Brand Awareness, Traffic, Engagement. Note: This package does not include monthly ad spend budget for ad campaigns. We recommend a minimum ad budget of $500.00USD.
We charge it $1,000/m to fully optimize the listed strategies above.

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2020.09.19 06:11 Ok-Courage5180 BS Day 3...almost.

I found out Wednesday and want to reconcile. I know what we had before this 2 years ago and I know (I hope so much) that we can get through this I feel all of the shattering pain. It's torture. I feel broken.
I don't want to feel this. I can't believe he's made me feel this after 12 years. I want to be me again. I've been trying to practice breathing exercises and it has made me feel a little more relaxed but to the point where I've been falling asleep. Falling asleep because when I'm there I don't feel pain. Then I wake up, like I have now, at 4am, unable to go back to sleep and churning thoughts and images and emotions in my head.
I want to be sick but I can't make myself. Food tastes like chalk. Cigarettes taste disgusting but I'm smoking loads.. I don't normally. I know I have to look after myself but what do I do when I physically don't feel like I can eat? I ache, my whole body, like I've run a marathon. I can't look him in the eye, I am physically struggling to do that.
I've stayed in the same bed, in pyjamas. I used to just wear knickers to bed but it feels indecent to do that now. He's hugged me and kissed my head and it's made me feel like a rollercoaster of emotions, the warmth is so demanding and I feel the love but most of me just feels pain right now
He worked with the AP. I know who she is and I've met her once (in fucking hospital the day she had her baby - I have no idea what was going on in his twisted head to take me there). Yesterday I wrote a letter to her, it's saved on my work laptop. Do I send it to her? In it I've asked her to be open and honest with her partner. I've asked her how she would feel if her daughter came to her shattered to tell her she'd been cheated on and asked her if she could ever truly be support if she hasn't been honest. Do I send the letter? It would have to go on Facebook messenger and I'm not friends with her so I don't even know if she'd see it - infact that's how I started the letter, I don't know if you'll read this when you realise who I am'.
I asked for all of the details yesterday and I got them. Although he didn't have sex with her, he did basically everything else. He shared our intimate moments with her when he spoke to her, used our sex toys on her in our home. He never 'lost' the toy, he just cleaned it and shoved it back into the box - I've used it since. I feel disgusting. He's made so much feel disgusting. I asked him yesterday to get rid of everything that I see that will remind me of her. I want it gone - I don't want any reminder of her in our house. He knows this and said he'll get rid of it, but he's not gone out of his way to hide it so it doesn't keep triggering me. I am going to go out later so I am hoping wildly that, that's when he plans to get rid of it all.
What the fuck is this horrible new place I'm in? I don't want to feel like this. I never asked for it.
submitted by Ok-Courage5180 to AsOneAfterInfidelity [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 00:54 forestcabin123k Dishonest Moocher Gets Owned

AITA for dumping/ghosting my supposedly best friend?
I (F 48) have know “Sheila” (F51) for over ten years. I really liked her. She was very kind, selfless and very responsible. I knew her then husband but she and I became really close.
Her husband dumped her in favor of “greener pastures”. They kept this private until she reached out to me for support. I was in denial at first because I really loved them as a couple. Eventually, things between them got really cold so it became apparent that they were heading for divorce.
There was only one incident before their separation. Her husband suggested one of us head to the store to buy some drinks and chinese food. I paid for it because he also paid sometimes, so it was my treat. When I returned, I handed everyone their plates and she berated me because “I had kept the change”. She immediately asked “did you get some change back?” I said yes, and it’s inside the foodie bag. She dug in it and loudly accused me of “keeping the change”. I was confused and she spread the 80-something cents on the table and demanded that I dig in my wallet. I told her I had paid. She stayed quiet and never apologized. I felt attacked and confused but brushed it off as an honest mistake on her part.
So, years later we had become pretty close. We talked everyday, mostly about her painful separation. I was happy to listen because I had experienced a broken heart before my marriage and thought I could help her recover. Sheila was never an “all about me and my stuff” conversational narcissist. Our exchanges were nice and felt very honest.
Her husband called me to tell me his reasons for leaving her. I was taken aback because he had no reason to offer any explanation. He just said that Sheila was a pig who sent their kids dirty to school, never cleaned the house and he was done doing everything by himself, from cleaning the house to double checking his kids clothing before dropping them off each morning. I paid no attention to this, I thought it was “pre-divorce spousal gossip”. He insisted that he was fed up getting home late after work only to find his home turned into a pigsty. (Pay attention to this). He went on about not being able to sleep in such a dirty house and getting up at 2AM to clean up because he was angry.
He and I had a huge fallout later on. He was basically a jerk who saw his friends as stepping stones, so I cut him off when he abused my trust. She kept justifying him and begging me to forgive him because “he needed us” and he was just going through a stage (midlife crises). God Dammit that's not my problem!
I attempted to go into business with her. I contributed all the ideas, the costs, the contacts, and the structure. However, because Sheila was an excellent office manager, I thought we could team up. My F__$$# mistake!We decided to have a girls night out weekend. So we would hang out from Thursday to Sunday out of town. We would use that timeframe to focus on getting the business running, work as a team and then, do fun stuff in the evening. We took our computers, work plans, etc.
One detail is that, because Sheila has kids and ZERO access to “me time”, we stayed at a hotel to focus on the startup. I’m used to this and my husband is very supportive. But because she couldn’t pay for it and because I know how important it is to be able to “unplug” during a breakup, I paid for her entire stay. Sheila had the bedroom right under my own room. She wanted to room together but I hate that. I need privacy and I need to know that I can go to sleep, watch tv and use the bathroom whenever I like without having to listen to unwanted TV noise or being forced to politely listen should my roommate get chatty. The only time I actually went into her bedroom it was really messy, with clothes all over the floor and some stuff hanging from an armchair and lots of food scraps all over the floor. I felt I shouldn’t judge, so I acted like I didn’t notice.
We stayed in touch more often due to our need to get the ball running. I laid some ground rules which included being very open about her estranged husband NOT BEING WELCOME for any type of endeavor. This became an issue, because Sheila insisted that we patch things up and I let him become a part of what we were doing. I wrote her a nice email, explaining that she was very capable on her own and she was valuable, therefore I chose to do business with her. She was very moved and emotional.
This went well for a while. Sheila called me one afternoon and she sounded sad, like she was emotionally disturbed. Her ex had called her minutes earlier with an insane demand: she was to prove to him that she held no grudges and that she was a good person by helping him become a partner in our startup. I was so furious I immediately shut it down. I had no intention of causing tension between them, but I would not allow him to use me as a hostage and force me to comply. I gave her the honest choice to just cease our activities if she felt this would bring more trouble into her life. Sheila absolutely said no and we kept on. It was all good, except for the time she showed up at my doorstep at 7 am on a Sunday morning without an invitation. I thought it was weird, especially because I never actually gave her my home address. I treasure my privacy, so I did not let her in. She knew my area, but not my home.
From this on, business meetings became mortifying. Sheila insisted on circumventing my conditions and tried to insert him into our potential business contracts. When I said NO, she modified her strategy and tried to pull clients to work with her ex-.separated/husband ( not related to what we were doing, but tried to “seduce clients” into booking meetings for the two of them only without even including me). It’s worth noting that all prospects were MY CLIENTS, my contacts and part of my portfolio.
Sheila also showed attention seeking behavior. I patiently thought it was due to her being a doormat for so many years, and now she wanted to be noticed. But the situation progressed, and she would only talk about herself, like she wasn’t part of a team. And , she went too far one day and asked me to shut up (“please let me talk!”) during a presentation (in front of everyone) while I was directly asked to explain business processes that were not a part of her experience. So she opened her mouth and showed she didn’t know what she was doing. Honestly, being a business partner where the other party is doing all the effort and all that is expected of you is to stick with what you know best isn’t a bad deal. I always treated her with respect and thought she would try and actually learn the process before sticking her foot in her mouth. When we left the client’s office, the client texted me and asked me to please never bring her again because she was too caught up in getting attention and her constant interruptions were not welcome.
I stopped sharing information with her after Sheila ridiculed me for waving hello to an acquaintance who did not respond immediately because he didn’t recognize me. Sheila used that as a bullying joke and told everyone that I thought I’m so hot I can wave at anyone but the joke’s on me because I haven’t realized I’m over 40. The fact that she sexualized a simple wave of the hand and was so “happy” to see the perceived slight happen became a red flag. I also learned that she was actively hunting and digging for information on my suppliers.
Things became unbearable with her ex. They hadn’t divorce yet and she would not ask for child support. So she was hurting financially and had to move out of state. Our friendship regained the good vibe. We talked everyday. She relied on me for advice as navigating a new life was quite challenging.
Sheila planned to visit next summer and I was excited. Unfortunately, I could not see her right away due to previous commitments, but it was a 2 week trip so there would be plenty of time to catch up. When she called and I let her know that I couldn't make it immediately, she went radio silent and hung up (“ Hello, hello? OP, I can’t hear yah!”). Sheila was staying hours away, so that played a part. I saw her facebook pictures. She was having a good time, hanging out, partying, and she looked really happy. So I stopped trying to reschedule and thought she would get in touch and tell me when we could meet. That never happened.
I wrote to her via messenger and she said she regretted not swinging by but she was now heading back. I understood.
However, I got a long text trail weeks later. She described abandonment, dismissal and obliviousness. One message said: “Living in their own little world. Immediately cut me off.”
I honestly thought this had to do with her ex and wrote her if she was okay. I did nott a reply until hours later. Sheila called me and said that she was messaging a close friend we have in common ( I then realized it was our old group chat). She said she wouldn’t “need” to talk about me if I had let her stay at my house for her 2 week vacation. That she was mad because she “had” to sleep on a hard recliner chair at her exe’s place (she turned down his family’s offer to host her) and that she expected more of me. She called me her ego boost (wow… I thought I was an actual person but now it turns out I’m just some sort of commodity) and that I’m her best friend but she was hurt because I didn’t offer her my home and she knows I must have a big house.
I told her me and my family need privacy but she countered that if I was her real friend, I would have no problem in making an exception or at least accommodate her because my family should be able to understand. Also, she would stop talking about me if I let her stay next time. Emotional blackmail at its best.
So actually, she had been caught talking crap behind my back all courtesy of using the wrong text trail and was now blaming me. Not only had she done this, but the entire trail exaggerated the whole thing because first of all, she never asked me to host her in the first place. I told her she would be better off if she asked her ex for child support. She said she couldn’t put him under financial pressure. Her financial planning is not my responsibility. My house is not an Airbnb.
I also went to her house once and her living conditions were subhuman. It wasn’t messy. It was filthy. It was dog shit inside the bathtub, a calcified toilet bowl, a huge clump of toothpaste spit (hard, like it took years to build). The bathroom odor took over the entire house, the sink towering in moldy dishes, and maggots all over the floor. I was surprised because she never looked dirty. However, having seen this and her hotel room, why would I let her stay at my place?? Invitations should be spontaneous, not at gunpoint.
I let that go. What can I do. I simply went “zero” on business plans. She never did much about our startup after she left, but I get it. She was busy and had a new job. So now she was desperately trying to get me interested in completing what we started. In a year, she never touched any of our plans. She arrived back at her new state and asked me to again cover for expenses: “Can we reactivate the website?” “Can you cover the cost for x or y?”
She became passive aggressive. On the one hand she wanted to use me to become a successful “entrepreneur”. On the other hand, she began some sort of campaign via facebook. She used veiled remarks. She constantly wrote “philosophical” memes on “friends who let you down” and kept tagging me on cryptic posts. Her friends would express their disgust at “people who leave you high and dry”, “friends who don’t come see you when you are in town”. I had enough after I restricted her access to my profile and she still managed to visit my FB wall and scrolled, then wrote me on PM to berate me for “writing stuff about her”. The problem was that she wasn’t getting my updates, so she deliberately went to my profile to hunt for stuff. Whenever I asked her to be specific, she would never respond and just leave my messages as “seen”.
We closed the corporation after she neglected to maintain it (her only actual task), and I said I wouldn’t pay all the fines just to keep it alive as we never actually took off. She didn’t wanna pay for it, so bingo! Our contract stated that ALL resources were my contribution and in the event of a cancellation, she had no rights except over her own clients, suppliers and business plans, which were none. I was regularly stalked and harassed for about two years. I learned a hard lesson on not trying to “fix” people.
She kept trying to latch on to me. When I heard that she was coming to my state and attempting to call MY CLIENTS, I decided to take action.
My own client called, very alarmed, and told me that she tried to sell him a business model and that she claimed I was still in business with her. That client is gold, very loyal, and very straight forward.
I had set up a cloud and allowed her to login. I changed the password, altered the entire phonebook data in case she wanted to circumvent and use the contacts for herself. All her calls would go to my switchboard, and removed the few unimportant folders to replace them with multiple “business plan” files. I “casually” mentioned the cloud (that she never used because she left the state) and left it at that. Two weeks later, she began to press me about the password, because she only wanted to read the info again and see if we could still do anything. Yeah right! In the meantime, she booked an appointment at an investor conference. It sounds big, but the conference is very small, only 3-4 people listening to your pitch.
Her first appointment didn’t work out. She showed up and explained in her own words but had no actual material, only scraps of my work, so it was not enough and they never called her. Easy to find out because they post awarded startups on a public website.
The bogus phone book thing didn’t work for too long. She actually got an appointment with Edgard, a guy runs a private accelerator. Edgard and I have a good but distant business relationship. He is excellent as a client but I don't like his peer to peer style. He becomes arrogant and unpleasant when it comes to investing. I don’t need that. He loves to scrutinize, confront and decry. He also has a slight mental or emotional illness. Edgard is very defensive and becomes hostile when he thinks he is being lied to. So, not surprisingly, he called me immediately after reading her plan. He was confused because he is familiar with my model. Edgard and I never went into business together because his overpowering tactics ain’t worth ruining a good relationship with a client. I had already decided to wait a little and then shoulder the whole project cost.
He just wanted to know 1) If I had changed my mind and had decided to include him. He only knew her vaguely as my “partner”. 2) Why was the plan now so different and vague? Did I not trust him or what?
I told him the truth. Not a good idea to play games with a good business client. And while he loves to see blood and all that, I can say he has strong working ethics. He seemed to have taken it personally. I think he thought she was trying to sucker him out of his money by getting his investment on something she hardly comprehended.
This is why I feel this karma/revenge was accidental. I cannot claim to have orchestrated her fate. I did not direct her to him.
He asked me to be reachable when she came in. I was not sure at first, but my husband suggested I do it because we needed to make sure Edgard knew we had zero involvement with her, especially after she had omitted the fact that our corporation had been stricken off. He had a point.
So she went to his office and when she stumbled on her answers, he immediately called me and put me on speaker. To be honest, I declined being physically at the meeting because although I came to despise her, I still felt second hand shame. Her silence was dense. He kept asking and asking. She sounded confused and her voice had an inflection when she greeted me “Oh hi! What a nice surprise!”.
Edgar became more and more impatient, so he switched to video call and his questions came out fast, insistent, his body moving up and down like the battery bunny. I think he feeds on this. I could see Sheila awkwardly putting her computer back in its case and trying to avoid the camera. Her eyes were wide open, her expression looked disgruntled with her lips looking a bit saggy (I don’t know how to better express this) and alternating with a weak side smile. Edgard kept asking questions and she only repeated “ok, I see” and that he was being offensive. He replied that if searching for the truth offended her then she had a problem. She ended up just picking up her stuff under her arm and leaving.
Edgard went back to his cool gentleman thing and thanked me for being available. He asked me to consider partnering but I waited weeks to decline to avoid being obvious. I deleted Sheila from my facebook immediately and finally shut her out of the cloud. I didn’t berate her or take further action because it was too embarrassing already. She gave herself the finger on this one.
submitted by forestcabin123k to accidentalrevenge [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 15:55 Bowlyo Reading wife’s Facebook

I have a coworker going through a divorce after he had discovered his partner cheating on him. She had downloaded Facebook onto his phone and logged into her account so he could look at pictures of their 3 kids. (I should mention he does not have any social media accounts) He later discovered via the Facebook messenger app that his wife was cheating on him and is still communicating with the new guy on there. Would my coworker be in legal hot water for reading the messages even though she had given him permission to look at her Facebook in the past? He does not know the password to her account since she typed it in for him and would be locked out if she changed her password. This is in MN
submitted by Bowlyo to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 14:13 unab0mber iOS 14 & IDFA - Mobile Ad Market Turned Upside-Down

The mobile industry is undergoing one of the most fundamental changes of recent years. Apple has decided that early 2021, app developers will no longer have access to IDFA by default.
IDFA is a unique device identifier used for ad attribution, retargeting, alike audiences, analytics and other tasks. After the change, in order to receive the IDFA, an app developer must explicitly request the user’s permission (which is similar to allowing push notifications in an app). According to various estimates, the share of users who will provide access to their IDFA doesn’t exceed 10%.
Apple has provided privacy-friendly alternatives for attribution, but they fail to cover even a small fraction of the tasks that teams working on developing and promoting mobile apps currently have.
This shift means that mobile marketing (estimated at $80 billion), and by extension the mobile industry, are about to change drastically. In this essay, we will discuss in detail what will change, how it will affect the main players in the mobile advertising market such as developers, ad systems, attribution service providers, and advertisers.
A short summary of the key changes and implications of iOS 14 release and limiting default access to IDFA
# 1 Access restrictions: In iOS 14, IDFA will only be accessible upon user permission.
IDFA (Identifier for Advertisers) is a unique identifier of an iOS device. It is used in mobile apps for user attribution and tells advertisers where a user came from.
With iOS 14, to be released in early 2021, every app that wants to use an advertising user ID (IDFA) will have to explicitly ask permission from the user.
This will work in the same way as requesting permission to send push notifications.
Request to use IDFA will look like this – the text on the popup will ask: “Would you like to give permission to track you across apps and websites owned by other companies?”
The text is very straightforward, and the button to refuse is located below, making it more convenient to deny access to the IDFA. Most experts agree that 9 out of 10 people will most probably not opt in. After the initial declaration, Apple suggested a milder design for the popup, yet the idea remains largely the same and won’t bring fundamental changes.
Thus Apple is breaking the existing ad traffic attribution infrastructure under the pretext of privacy concerns. And this will affect everyone: ad networks systems, mobile developers, advertisers, and users.
# 2. Lack of access to IDFA will lead to a decrease in the quality of mobile traffic attribution and an increase in the cost of user acquisition.
Previously, mobile developers and ad networks could use the IDFA without the explicit consent of the user. But now, the situation is radically changing:
  1. Without access to IDFA, mobile ad attribution services (Appsflyer, Adjust and others) will no longer be able to trace back a significant portion of mobile traffic. It is important to understand that IDFA is now the primary accurate attribution tool. Appsflyer, Adjust and others will be forced to switch to less accurate and less efficient methods of determining the source of installs (e.g., device fingerprinting).
  2. This will reduce the accuracy of traffic attribution, which will complicate things for companies developing and promoting mobile apps. In the future, it could lead to an increase in the cost of attribution.
  3. We can expect a rise in acquisition costs as accurate targeting will become much more limited. Such popular and effective tools as lookalike audiences and retargeting will now be available only for a small portion of users who agreed to honor a request to provide access to the IDFA or used a relevant email or phone number while signing up.
# 3. Apple presented its own attribution system, but it still doesn’t cover all mobile developers’ needs.
Apple offered the market an alternative, privacy-friendly traffic attribution system. This system makes it possible to send information about installs to advertising networks without explicitly revealing information about the user. But, unfortunately, the capabilities of this system are severely limited and don’t cover basic marketing needs.
One of the biggest problems is that developers and ad systems will no longer have access to user-level data. They will only see aggregated data in the account.
Developers will no longer be able to calculate and segment ROI or link attribution data to product events.
#4. Impact of IOS 14 Changes: rising user acquisition costs, accelerating mobile market consolidation, difficulties for large advertising networks and ad-attribution services
It’s hard to predict the results of this change. But here are some possible scenarios:
If you want to understand in more details what and why will happen, then here is what we will discuss further on:
How traffic attribution works for mobile apps
Traffic attribution helps find out where a particular user came from. This is a critical task for performance marketing, as without high-quality attribution, it is impossible to determine which advertising campaigns are profitable (i.e., are making money) and which are not.
On the web, attribution is tackled in a simple way – we just need to add special parameters (usually utm-parameters) to the ad links leading to the site.
This scheme doesn’t work with mobile apps largely because mobile app stores add an intermediate step to the process and do not provide information about where the user came from.
Another reason is the policy of a number of leading advertising systems on the market. For example, Facebook doesn’t allow you to add any parameters when promoting mobile apps through its ad network.
Therefore, there are other methods for traffic attribution for mobile apps out there. Say you have a mobile app or a mobile game. To acquire users to your app, you purchase ad traffic. This is what happens in order to link ad clicks to an app’s install:
If you are not familiar with this topic, then here is a good essay.
Why IDFA is a central element of mobile traffic attribution
As is evident in the process described above, data about users who click on ads is key to the logic behind mobile traffic attribution systems. The IDFA is the central element of the data collected, and if IDFA is missing, the accuracy of this attribution method will drop dramatically..)
Without IDFA, services will have to rely on fingerprinting, which is significantly less accurate than IDFA. Since IDFA is a unique device identifier, using it allows you to accurately determine the source of the user’s traffic. If you don’t have access to IDFA attribution services, you will have to use fingerprinting.
What is fingerprinting in attribution
Fingerprinting) is a way of obtaining a device ID from a set of indirect attributes. As indirect signs, you can consider such things as the operating system’s version, IP address, operator, time and some other parameters. This identifier should make it possible to tell different users apart and remain unique to each user if possible.
However, fingerprinting is not accurate enough. Thus, as the proportion of users whose IDFA is accessible decreases, the accuracy of mobile attribution will worsen.
Fingerprinting is already used today, but for a rather small proportion of ad traffic. The reason is that some users are already invisible to ad networks (they don’t give access to their IDFA).
In 20166), Apple released LAT (limit ad tracking) that allows iOS users to opt out of targeted advertising by not giving out their IDFA and thus becoming “invisible” to ad networks. This feature is hidden in Settings> Privacy> Advertising, and also appeared when activating a new iPhone. However, even in this inconspicuous way of presenting it, about 30% of all users) turned this option on. The number of invisible users increased from 15% in 2016 to 30% in 2020.
Before iOS 6 (2012), instead of IDFA, there was UDID available, which you couldn’t reset and it was always available. With such a tight bond, each user could be uniquely identified, a privacy nightmare. So Apple introduced IDFA in iOS 6. It is possible to reset it, and it also changes when the device is reset. Meanwhile, IDFA remains constant across different apps on the same device.
To summarize all of the above, IDFA plays a key role in solving the problems of purchasing and attributing ad traffic. The existing ad market is largely dependent on IDFA. It is the one thing that makes this connection between an advertising click and new users in the app. With the release of iOS 14, IDFA will become unavailable for most users, which will change the laws of mobile marketing.
What exactly will change in iOS 14 release
At WWDC 2020, Apple unveiled a new operating system, and at the same time “delighted” the iOS app developer community that now IDFA won’t be a default feature any longer. Instead, the user will control IDFA access for each app by responding to a native popup inside the app. The design might change but the idea will remain the same.
The developer controls when to show this dialog. This means that he has the opportunity to explain to the user what the IDFA is for. It’s the same with push notifications: If you first explain why there is a need to enable them, more users will agree to receive them.
It is worth noting, however, that the IDFA popup will only allow minimal customization: Developers can only change the secondary text. Mind that everything is still subject to change—we will know how everything will actually work only once iOS 14 is released.
Another notable point in the design is that the Ask App Not to Track button is placed lower, which means it is more convenient for the finger to press. The warning itself sounds quite menacing too. All of this is bound to have a negative effect on the conversion to consent.
According to experts, the number of people who allow access to IDFA will drop to about 10%. For users who will not give access to their IDFA, a string of zeros will be provided instead of an identifier.
What is the alternative Apple is offering to replace IDFA and existing attribution mechanisms?
Apple has also presented its own attribution method to the market. To do this, the company created the SKAdnetwork privacy-friendly attribution framework, which allows you to transfer data to advertising networks without violating the privacy of a particular user.
The first version of SKAdnetwork was released in March 2018 in iOS 11.3, but very few used it: attribution through IDFA proved to be much more efficient and gave more data.
Apple’s attribution scheme works in the same way as other MMPs (mobile measurement partner), with some peculiarities. Developers and ad systems don’t have access to user-level attribution data, and only receive it in aggregated form, which dramatically reduces its usefulness since it doesn’t allow calculating ROI by user segment.
Only Apple-authorized ad networks will be able to receive postbacks about attribution. To do this, they will need to register, implement the ad mechanism and handle the postback. Without this, Apple won’t transmit installation data to the ad network.
To send the attribution event, the developers have the updateConversionValue method, which, after the first call, creates a 24-hour window. This is the only period where you can submit additional attribution data, such as install or event value.
Developers often submit data within months after the first attribution such as in products with a strong long-term retention or monetization models that involve subscriptions. In these cases, purchases can happen many months and years after the app’s first launch (which is a long funnel). It is convenient to send such data to ad networks to improve targeting. The 24-hour window severely limits this model. For example, it won’t be possible to register a first-purchase event in a monetization model that involves a trial and subscription (the minimum trial duration is 3 days) .
Event values can be used in different ways. For example, it can be the value of an event, measured in money: a user who came from campaign X bought a subscription for Value. Based on this data, you can improve your targeting. You can also encode the events themselves using value. For example, value = 0 means there was an install, value = 1 indicates the user activated a trial subscription, and so on.
Apple imposes a number of restrictions on Value:
Moreover, not everything can be considered as value, but the one Apple sees possible:
The postback may include a conversion value and the source app’s ID if Apple determines that providing the values ​​meets Apple’s privacy threshold.
There are still no updates in App Store review guidelines, so it’s impossible to figure out what exactly can’t be submitted.
With the release of iOS 14, we should expect an increase in the cost of a user acquisition
Retargeting and lookalike won’t be practically available.
Retargeting is an opportunity to show ads to an audience that has already interacted with a product. For example, a developer can show ads to active users in the app who are not paying customers, or retain those who have stopped using the product. To do this, a developer collects relevant user IDs, uploads them to the ad account and launches ads targeting this audience.
Facebook accepts not only IDFA as identifiers, but also emails, phone numbers and other data associated with a specific person. Thus, retargeting will continue to work if the developer has this additional data and can give it to the ad network.
Facebook has a clear advantage here: By using its large data set from all apps (Whatsapp, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram), the company has to see only one user parameter to get the rest of user IDs, as well as his email and phone number. However, we can’t really tell from Apple’s guidelines whether it is possible to transfer user data for a user who hasn’t enabled tracking. Plus, Apple is promoting its privacy-safe Sign In With Apple authentication method, which developers are required to support along with other authentication methods, limiting the ability to collect this kind of information.
This can also affect the design of mobile apps. Developers can start to force users to sign up before using the product. If you are already fed up with the need to allow cookies on all of the websites you are visiting, then expect something similar to happen in iOS apps.
A similar problem will occur with lookalike audiences, that is, audiences of users similar to a certain other cohort of users. If the audience you use to build a lookalike is small, you won’t be able to build a high-quality lookalike audience.
IDFV
In addition to IDFA, iOS has another identifier – IDFV (identifier for vendor). This identifier remains the same across apps from the same developer, but it differs for different publishers. Therefore, ad networks won’t be able to use it to define a user within the attribution task.
However, due to the fact that the IDFV is the same in the apps of one particular developer, this developer understands which apps each user is using. This is convenient in order to advertise new apps in your other apps. For example, such schemes may be relevant for publishers of hyper-casual games, who often promote new products using cross-promotions in their other apps.
IDFV gives a rather vivid advantage to large publishers over small independent players. Large publishers are also more tolerant towards errors when acquiring paid traffic. In contrast, for small players, unprofitable ad campaigns can have a devastating effect.
These factors can possibly lead to faster consolidation of the mobile market (both horizontal and vertical). Thus we can expect large publishers to acquire small players. These big players will keep the traffic moving within their ecosystem, advertising their apps to their users. But neither ad networks nor MMPs have a place this scheme.
What Mobile Market Leaders Say:
Among the major players in the attribution market, Adjust has been the most vocal about the situation. One of the company’s proposals to Apple is to use IDFA locally on the device for hash counting. The hash is computed using the SHA256 algorithm on the combination of IDFA and IDFV strings. It is transmitted to the server along with the IDFV. Then, the MMP (traffic attribution service) gets the IDFA from ad networks and does the search. If something matches the hash from the device, then attribution takes place.
However, it doesn’t look like Apple will buy into it:
  1. This solution will not anonymize the user data, which means it contradicts Apple’s privacy policy.
  2. This solution still requires IDFA consent (although Adjust probably assumes that in this case neither the developer nor the advertising system receives an explicit IDFA value).
  3. Enumerating hashes is an inefficient computational scheme that requires a lot of resources and time.
At the time of this writing, there are no tools that will allow attribution at the current quality level in the future iOS 14. Adjust, along with other market leaders, has offered a few alternatives. Unfortunately, none of the proposed methods are in line with Apple’s policy and do not offer a quality alternative to IDFA.
When we can expect these changes
iOS 14 will be released in early 2021.
Half of all devices are expected to upgrade by the end of 2020. Since the apps must support the new API to access IDFA, developers will lose access to IDFA immediately after the OS upgrade. They will be able to get it after the update is released and the users give their consent.
This will likely result in a situation where giving access by the users will look like a wave on the graph: a sharp drop in the first months followed by a gradual rise as developers start updating their apps.
Getting ready for iOS 14
Adjust has released an excellent guide on how to get your app ready for iOS 14, starting with understanding which third-party services and SDKs in your app are using IDFA.
To get access to IDFA, the developer needs to ask the users for their consent. Meanwhile, the developer will decide at what point to show the pop-up with a proposal.
This means that before showing the pop-up, you can use custom elements to explain to the user why you need them to open access to IDFA.
Developers have only one chance to ask the user for access to their IDFA, similar to prompting for enabling push notifications. We can expect developers to do their best to explain why they need IDFA before displaying the popup.
The marketing and product analytics sector will suffer the most. It will no longer be possible to access attribution data at runtime. The developers who used the IDFA as their user IDs will also suffer. To keep the analytics working correctly, they will have to change the identifier to IDFV or to an internal ID. Even so, it will be very difficult to maintain consistency with historical data.
What changes to expect in the mobile advertising and attribution market
The global mobile advertising market size stands at 80 billion USD, so we shouldn’t expect it to die or somehow shrink significantly. Companies will continue to acquire users for their mobile apps through paid ads. The question is, how efficiently will they do so? First, it will be more difficult to measure the effectiveness of campaigns. Second, lookalike audiences and retargeting will practically stop working.
At this stage, it is not clear what will happen to the ad traffic attribution market. If only 10% of the audience remains (these are the ones who have agreed to being tracked), will it make sense to use services such as Appsflyer or Adjust? Will it be justified to pay for these services? Apple encloses marketing data within itself and doesn’t want to give any of it away to developers or ad systems. Apple has already been sued because of this.
IOS 14 and restricting access to IDFA is also a big bomber for the ad systems. The mobile market is, in fact, a duopoly dominated by Facebook and Google—they will be hit the hardest.
We can expect accelerated growth in user acquisition costs, as well as consolidation of the mobile market.
In a more distant future, perhaps Google will decide to follow in Apple’s footsteps. Google also has its own LAT (which turns off access to advertising ID) and its own attribution system in the Firebase, which launched a year later after Apple. It is expected that Google will also make the IDFA equivalent unavailable on Android devices in the foreseeable future. This will be quite a kick in the head from Google towards Facebook’s position in the mobile ad market.
However, there are still many questions that were not covered in Apple’s User privacy and Data use guidelines:
In the most pessimistic scenario of all, in the next versions of iOS, Apple will block access to external analytics services to user data and promote its own analytics tools. On the one hand, this preserves the privacy of users, and on the other hand, it makes it difficult to create high-quality products.
This essay was written in collaboration with Vitaly Davydov. Vitaly is the founder and CEO at Adapty (a service for analytics and mobile subscription growth) and Poteha Labs (a machine learning outsourcing). He has been dealing with anything related to mobile marketing and monetization since 2016.
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2020.09.17 14:09 unab0mber iOS 14 & IDFA - Mobile Ad Market Turned Upside-Down

The mobile industry is undergoing one of the most fundamental changes of recent years. Apple has decided that early 2021, app developers will no longer have access to IDFA by default.
IDFA is a unique device identifier used for ad attribution, retargeting, alike audiences, analytics and other tasks. After the change, in order to receive the IDFA, an app developer must explicitly request the user’s permission (which is similar to allowing push notifications in an app). According to various estimates, the share of users who will provide access to their IDFA doesn’t exceed 10%.
Apple has provided privacy-friendly alternatives for attribution, but they fail to cover even a small fraction of the tasks that teams working on developing and promoting mobile apps currently have.
This shift means that mobile marketing (estimated at $80 billion), and by extension the mobile industry, are about to change drastically. In this essay, we will discuss in detail what will change, how it will affect the main players in the mobile advertising market such as developers, ad systems, attribution service providers, and advertisers.
A short summary of the key changes and implications of iOS 14 release and limiting default access to IDFA
# 1 Access restrictions: In iOS 14, IDFA will only be accessible upon user permission.
IDFA (Identifier for Advertisers) is a unique identifier of an iOS device. It is used in mobile apps for user attribution and tells advertisers where a user came from.
With iOS 14, to be released in early 2021, every app that wants to use an advertising user ID (IDFA) will have to explicitly ask permission from the user.
This will work in the same way as requesting permission to send push notifications.
Request to use IDFA will look like this – the text on the popup will ask: “Would you like to give permission to track you across apps and websites owned by other companies?”
The text is very straightforward, and the button to refuse is located below, making it more convenient to deny access to the IDFA. Most experts agree that 9 out of 10 people will most probably not opt in. After the initial declaration, Apple suggested a milder design for the popup, yet the idea remains largely the same and won’t bring fundamental changes.
Thus Apple is breaking the existing ad traffic attribution infrastructure under the pretext of privacy concerns. And this will affect everyone: ad networks systems, mobile developers, advertisers, and users.
# 2. Lack of access to IDFA will lead to a decrease in the quality of mobile traffic attribution and an increase in the cost of user acquisition.
Previously, mobile developers and ad networks could use the IDFA without the explicit consent of the user. But now, the situation is radically changing:
  1. Without access to IDFA, mobile ad attribution services (Appsflyer, Adjust and others) will no longer be able to trace back a significant portion of mobile traffic. It is important to understand that IDFA is now the primary accurate attribution tool. Appsflyer, Adjust and others will be forced to switch to less accurate and less efficient methods of determining the source of installs (e.g., device fingerprinting).
  2. This will reduce the accuracy of traffic attribution, which will complicate things for companies developing and promoting mobile apps. In the future, it could lead to an increase in the cost of attribution.
  3. We can expect a rise in acquisition costs as accurate targeting will become much more limited. Such popular and effective tools as lookalike audiences and retargeting will now be available only for a small portion of users who agreed to honor a request to provide access to the IDFA or used a relevant email or phone number while signing up.
# 3. Apple presented its own attribution system, but it still doesn’t cover all mobile developers’ needs.
Apple offered the market an alternative, privacy-friendly traffic attribution system. This system makes it possible to send information about installs to advertising networks without explicitly revealing information about the user. But, unfortunately, the capabilities of this system are severely limited and don’t cover basic marketing needs.
One of the biggest problems is that developers and ad systems will no longer have access to user-level data. They will only see aggregated data in the account.
Developers will no longer be able to calculate and segment ROI or link attribution data to product events.
#4. Impact of IOS 14 Changes: rising user acquisition costs, accelerating mobile market consolidation, difficulties for large advertising networks and ad-attribution services
It’s hard to predict the results of this change. But here are some possible scenarios:
If you want to understand in more details what and why will happen, then here is what we will discuss further on:
How traffic attribution works for mobile apps
Traffic attribution helps find out where a particular user came from. This is a critical task for performance marketing, as without high-quality attribution, it is impossible to determine which advertising campaigns are profitable (i.e., are making money) and which are not.
On the web, attribution is tackled in a simple way – we just need to add special parameters (usually utm-parameters) to the ad links leading to the site.
This scheme doesn’t work with mobile apps largely because mobile app stores add an intermediate step to the process and do not provide information about where the user came from.
Another reason is the policy of a number of leading advertising systems on the market. For example, Facebook doesn’t allow you to add any parameters when promoting mobile apps through its ad network.
Therefore, there are other methods for traffic attribution for mobile apps out there. Say you have a mobile app or a mobile game. To acquire users to your app, you purchase ad traffic. This is what happens in order to link ad clicks to an app’s install:
If you are not familiar with this topic, then here is a good essay.
Why IDFA is a central element of mobile traffic attribution
As is evident in the process described above, data about users who click on ads is key to the logic behind mobile traffic attribution systems. The IDFA is the central element of the data collected, and if IDFA is missing, the accuracy of this attribution method will drop dramatically..)
Without IDFA, services will have to rely on fingerprinting, which is significantly less accurate than IDFA. Since IDFA is a unique device identifier, using it allows you to accurately determine the source of the user’s traffic. If you don’t have access to IDFA attribution services, you will have to use fingerprinting.
What is fingerprinting in attribution
Fingerprinting) is a way of obtaining a device ID from a set of indirect attributes. As indirect signs, you can consider such things as the operating system’s version, IP address, operator, time and some other parameters. This identifier should make it possible to tell different users apart and remain unique to each user if possible.
However, fingerprinting is not accurate enough. Thus, as the proportion of users whose IDFA is accessible decreases, the accuracy of mobile attribution will worsen.
Fingerprinting is already used today, but for a rather small proportion of ad traffic. The reason is that some users are already invisible to ad networks (they don’t give access to their IDFA).
In 20166), Apple released LAT (limit ad tracking) that allows iOS users to opt out of targeted advertising by not giving out their IDFA and thus becoming “invisible” to ad networks. This feature is hidden in Settings> Privacy> Advertising, and also appeared when activating a new iPhone. However, even in this inconspicuous way of presenting it, about 30% of all users) turned this option on. The number of invisible users increased from 15% in 2016 to 30% in 2020.
Before iOS 6 (2012), instead of IDFA, there was UDID available, which you couldn’t reset and it was always available. With such a tight bond, each user could be uniquely identified, a privacy nightmare. So Apple introduced IDFA in iOS 6. It is possible to reset it, and it also changes when the device is reset. Meanwhile, IDFA remains constant across different apps on the same device.
To summarize all of the above, IDFA plays a key role in solving the problems of purchasing and attributing ad traffic. The existing ad market is largely dependent on IDFA. It is the one thing that makes this connection between an advertising click and new users in the app. With the release of iOS 14, IDFA will become unavailable for most users, which will change the laws of mobile marketing.
What exactly will change in iOS 14 release
At WWDC 2020, Apple unveiled a new operating system, and at the same time “delighted” the iOS app developer community that now IDFA won’t be a default feature any longer. Instead, the user will control IDFA access for each app by responding to a native popup inside the app. The design might change but the idea will remain the same.
The developer controls when to show this dialog. This means that he has the opportunity to explain to the user what the IDFA is for. It’s the same with push notifications: If you first explain why there is a need to enable them, more users will agree to receive them.
It is worth noting, however, that the IDFA popup will only allow minimal customization: Developers can only change the secondary text. Mind that everything is still subject to change—we will know how everything will actually work only once iOS 14 is released.
Another notable point in the design is that the Ask App Not to Track button is placed lower, which means it is more convenient for the finger to press. The warning itself sounds quite menacing too. All of this is bound to have a negative effect on the conversion to consent.
According to experts, the number of people who allow access to IDFA will drop to about 10%. For users who will not give access to their IDFA, a string of zeros will be provided instead of an identifier.
What is the alternative Apple is offering to replace IDFA and existing attribution mechanisms?
Apple has also presented its own attribution method to the market. To do this, the company created the SKAdnetwork privacy-friendly attribution framework, which allows you to transfer data to advertising networks without violating the privacy of a particular user.
The first version of SKAdnetwork was released in March 2018 in iOS 11.3, but very few used it: attribution through IDFA proved to be much more efficient and gave more data.
Apple’s attribution scheme works in the same way as other MMPs (mobile measurement partner), with some peculiarities. Developers and ad systems don’t have access to user-level attribution data, and only receive it in aggregated form, which dramatically reduces its usefulness since it doesn’t allow calculating ROI by user segment.
Only Apple-authorized ad networks will be able to receive postbacks about attribution. To do this, they will need to register, implement the ad mechanism and handle the postback. Without this, Apple won’t transmit installation data to the ad network.
To send the attribution event, the developers have the updateConversionValue method, which, after the first call, creates a 24-hour window. This is the only period where you can submit additional attribution data, such as install or event value.
Developers often submit data within months after the first attribution such as in products with a strong long-term retention or monetization models that involve subscriptions. In these cases, purchases can happen many months and years after the app’s first launch (which is a long funnel). It is convenient to send such data to ad networks to improve targeting. The 24-hour window severely limits this model. For example, it won’t be possible to register a first-purchase event in a monetization model that involves a trial and subscription (the minimum trial duration is 3 days) .
Event values can be used in different ways. For example, it can be the value of an event, measured in money: a user who came from campaign X bought a subscription for Value. Based on this data, you can improve your targeting. You can also encode the events themselves using value. For example, value = 0 means there was an install, value = 1 indicates the user activated a trial subscription, and so on.
Apple imposes a number of restrictions on Value:
Moreover, not everything can be considered as value, but the one Apple sees possible:
The postback may include a conversion value and the source app’s ID if Apple determines that providing the values ​​meets Apple’s privacy threshold.
There are still no updates in App Store review guidelines, so it’s impossible to figure out what exactly can’t be submitted.
With the release of iOS 14, we should expect an increase in the cost of a user acquisition
Retargeting and lookalike won’t be practically available.
Retargeting is an opportunity to show ads to an audience that has already interacted with a product. For example, a developer can show ads to active users in the app who are not paying customers, or retain those who have stopped using the product. To do this, a developer collects relevant user IDs, uploads them to the ad account and launches ads targeting this audience.
Facebook accepts not only IDFA as identifiers, but also emails, phone numbers and other data associated with a specific person. Thus, retargeting will continue to work if the developer has this additional data and can give it to the ad network.
Facebook has a clear advantage here: By using its large data set from all apps (Whatsapp, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram), the company has to see only one user parameter to get the rest of user IDs, as well as his email and phone number. However, we can’t really tell from Apple’s guidelines whether it is possible to transfer user data for a user who hasn’t enabled tracking. Plus, Apple is promoting its privacy-safe Sign In With Apple authentication method, which developers are required to support along with other authentication methods, limiting the ability to collect this kind of information.
This can also affect the design of mobile apps. Developers can start to force users to sign up before using the product. If you are already fed up with the need to allow cookies on all of the websites you are visiting, then expect something similar to happen in iOS apps.
A similar problem will occur with lookalike audiences, that is, audiences of users similar to a certain other cohort of users. If the audience you use to build a lookalike is small, you won’t be able to build a high-quality lookalike audience.
IDFV
In addition to IDFA, iOS has another identifier – IDFV (identifier for vendor). This identifier remains the same across apps from the same developer, but it differs for different publishers. Therefore, ad networks won’t be able to use it to define a user within the attribution task.
However, due to the fact that the IDFV is the same in the apps of one particular developer, this developer understands which apps each user is using. This is convenient in order to advertise new apps in your other apps. For example, such schemes may be relevant for publishers of hyper-casual games, who often promote new products using cross-promotions in their other apps.
IDFV gives a rather vivid advantage to large publishers over small independent players. Large publishers are also more tolerant towards errors when acquiring paid traffic. In contrast, for small players, unprofitable ad campaigns can have a devastating effect.
These factors can possibly lead to faster consolidation of the mobile market (both horizontal and vertical). Thus we can expect large publishers to acquire small players. These big players will keep the traffic moving within their ecosystem, advertising their apps to their users. But neither ad networks nor MMPs have a place this scheme.
What Mobile Market Leaders Say:
Among the major players in the attribution market, Adjust has been the most vocal about the situation. One of the company’s proposals to Apple is to use IDFA locally on the device for hash counting. The hash is computed using the SHA256 algorithm on the combination of IDFA and IDFV strings. It is transmitted to the server along with the IDFV. Then, the MMP (traffic attribution service) gets the IDFA from ad networks and does the search. If something matches the hash from the device, then attribution takes place.
However, it doesn’t look like Apple will buy into it:
  1. This solution will not anonymize the user data, which means it contradicts Apple’s privacy policy.
  2. This solution still requires IDFA consent (although Adjust probably assumes that in this case neither the developer nor the advertising system receives an explicit IDFA value).
  3. Enumerating hashes is an inefficient computational scheme that requires a lot of resources and time.
At the time of this writing, there are no tools that will allow attribution at the current quality level in the future iOS 14. Adjust, along with other market leaders, has offered a few alternatives. Unfortunately, none of the proposed methods are in line with Apple’s policy and do not offer a quality alternative to IDFA.
When we can expect these changes
iOS 14 will be released in early 2021.
Half of all devices are expected to upgrade by the end of 2020. Since the apps must support the new API to access IDFA, developers will lose access to IDFA immediately after the OS upgrade. They will be able to get it after the update is released and the users give their consent.
This will likely result in a situation where giving access by the users will look like a wave on the graph: a sharp drop in the first months followed by a gradual rise as developers start updating their apps.
Getting ready for iOS 14
Adjust has released an excellent guide on how to get your app ready for iOS 14, starting with understanding which third-party services and SDKs in your app are using IDFA.
To get access to IDFA, the developer needs to ask the users for their consent. Meanwhile, the developer will decide at what point to show the pop-up with a proposal.
This means that before showing the pop-up, you can use custom elements to explain to the user why you need them to open access to IDFA.
Developers have only one chance to ask the user for access to their IDFA, similar to prompting for enabling push notifications. We can expect developers to do their best to explain why they need IDFA before displaying the popup.
The marketing and product analytics sector will suffer the most. It will no longer be possible to access attribution data at runtime. The developers who used the IDFA as their user IDs will also suffer. To keep the analytics working correctly, they will have to change the identifier to IDFV or to an internal ID. Even so, it will be very difficult to maintain consistency with historical data.
What changes to expect in the mobile advertising and attribution market
The global mobile advertising market size stands at 80 billion USD, so we shouldn’t expect it to die or somehow shrink significantly. Companies will continue to acquire users for their mobile apps through paid ads. The question is, how efficiently will they do so? First, it will be more difficult to measure the effectiveness of campaigns. Second, lookalike audiences and retargeting will practically stop working.
At this stage, it is not clear what will happen to the ad traffic attribution market. If only 10% of the audience remains (these are the ones who have agreed to being tracked), will it make sense to use services such as Appsflyer or Adjust? Will it be justified to pay for these services? Apple encloses marketing data within itself and doesn’t want to give any of it away to developers or ad systems. Apple has already been sued because of this.
IOS 14 and restricting access to IDFA is also a big bomber for the ad systems. The mobile market is, in fact, a duopoly dominated by Facebook and Google—they will be hit the hardest.
We can expect accelerated growth in user acquisition costs, as well as consolidation of the mobile market.
In a more distant future, perhaps Google will decide to follow in Apple’s footsteps. Google also has its own LAT (which turns off access to advertising ID) and its own attribution system in the Firebase, which launched a year later after Apple. It is expected that Google will also make the IDFA equivalent unavailable on Android devices in the foreseeable future. This will be quite a kick in the head from Google towards Facebook’s position in the mobile ad market.
However, there are still many questions that were not covered in Apple’s User privacy and Data use guidelines:
In the most pessimistic scenario of all, in the next versions of iOS, Apple will block access to external analytics services to user data and promote its own analytics tools. On the one hand, this preserves the privacy of users, and on the other hand, it makes it difficult to create high-quality products.
This essay was written in collaboration with Vitaly Davydov. Vitaly is the founder and CEO at Adapty (a service for analytics and mobile subscription growth) and Poteha Labs (a machine learning outsourcing). He has been dealing with anything related to mobile marketing and monetization since 2016.
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2020.09.16 21:48 Fusion_Health Part 4 - This Is Your Brain on Semen Retention

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
For all you SR homies that aren't as much into the esoteric and more into the down-to-earth, this post is for you. Edit : Also, my apologies, not sure why the images I uploaded show up as hyperlinks and not the actual images.

Motivation

Think back to Post 1. I argued that retaining is a just a means to an end, that end being enhancing a type of energy called Jing. Jing is our vitality, which can be physically described as the sum total of our hormones, neurotransmitters, immune system and DNA integrity.
An interesting thing happens to a man during orgasm. Prolactin explodes onto the scene, and dopamine plummets.
Dopamine is that feel-good, tons of confidence, get shit done neurotransmitter. It's key to confidence and motivation. We want dopamine, and we want it in abundance.
Prolactin is a necessary hormone even for men, just like estrogen is.. But it's also the hormone responsible for breast growth and lactation in women. As guys, we want the bare minimum of prolactin floating around.
That sudden depletion of dopamine and surge in prolactin is why guys feel like they "lose their power" after "relapsing". It's a sudden diminishing of Jing.
Now the good news is, if you retain for 6 months and then have sex, you don't go all the way back to square one. It sets you back, but not all the way to the beginning. Even better news, certain techniques can be used as "harm reduction" to prevent the loss of Jing and to quickly replenish it if this does happen. That is beyond the scope of this post, but I'll get into this as we go deeper down the rabbit hole.
Back to hormones and neurotransmitters -

Low dopamine levels are associated with depression, low energy, lack of ambition, social anxiety, among others (Dailly et al., 2004).
Why does dopamine drop? Well, to make sure we attend to other aspects of our life, our brains come hardwired with a neurochemical mechanism of satiety. Prolactin, another hormone, surges right after orgasm, and is considered a reliable marker of such (Kruger et al., 2003). Prolactin works as a dopamine inhibitor, curtailing our sex drives once we consummate orgasm and providing us with feelings of satiation and sexual gratification. So the happy feelings impulsed by orgasm are carried along by prolactin. These secretions are relatively long-lasting after orgasm (Kruger et al., 2012).

https://preview.redd.it/68o21uxzdkn51.png?width=500&format=png&auto=webp&s=029fb6223a6daa3c932f4722ef37e0d20a63d148
Now prolactin doesn't just curtail our sex drives, it curtails our drive in general. And studies have shown this dip in dopamine takes about two weeks to recover. That's a looooong time to have reduced drive, energy and confidence..
When we practice semen retention, we're trying to "stay hungry" and accomplish goals, but prolactin is a "neruochemical mechanism of satiety". No bueno.

Sweet, Sweet Dopamine

The problem is, jacking off and prolactin isn't the only thing fucking with our dopamine system. Remember, high dopamine = lots of motivation, drive, desire, and confidence. This is why people love drugs like Adderall and cocaine, and why, if they have nothing better to focus on, they clean the shit out of their apartments. They're on a dopamine high and gotta do something, anything.
But we live in a world that is beyond oversaturated with things that stimulate dopamine release. They're massive time-wasters, and they fuck up our dopaminergic systems.
They hack into our brain's reward system and prevents us actually getting things done.
Neurochemistry 101
I'll keep this short guys. In the brain you have these chemical messengers called neurotransmitters. They fit into receptors, much like a lock and key. It's important to remember that the brain and body are always trying to maintain homeostasis.
If the brain detects too much of a certain neurotransmitter, it reacts to maintain this homeostasis. If there is too much dopamine in certain parts of the brain, the brain first ceases to release more dopamine. If that doesn't fix it, it de-sensitizes dopamine receptors. If that still doesn't fix it, it starts removing dopamine receptors completely!
This is how addiction comes about. Look at the image below - see how amphetamine looks almost identical to dopamine? It fits right into that receptor, and over time your body down-regulates dopamine receptors, meaning you need more and more of the drug to get high, and feel worse and worse when you don't have it.

https://preview.redd.it/ayphdpkgekn51.png?width=273&format=png&auto=webp&s=1aaa2ff78d8e22b54486b5d7483362e42c63f1e1
This is how porn in particular, and modern society in general, have been able to ensnare us in their clutches - they make our brain less and less sensitive to its own neurotransmitters. You need more and more stimulus (more exciting video games, kinkier and kinkier porn) to get the same dopamine release, and things that you once found interesting (books, sports, conversations with friends, whatever), are no longer stimulating enough.

I could go on and on here, but the point is that we're constantly bombarded by things that trap us in this negative hedonic feedback loop. How are you going to accomplish anything when you can't make it past your fuckin' cell phone?
Now here's a caveat - the less you partake in dopamine-depleting acts, the more dopamine your brain has for daily life, and the less you'll crave these time wasters. This is why after a certain amount of time, you longer no miss porn. It doesn't even sound appealing.
As time goes on, and your receptors become re-sensitized, they become that much more sensitive to dopamine. Things that are "less exciting", but probably more beneficial, become more enjoyable. That's a big win. That said, addictive behavior becomes that much more pleasurable. So you gotta be careful, because it could quickly spiral way out of control.
Our goal then is to re-sensitize our brains to our own natural production of dopamine, and use to it ravage our women and crush our enemies. I mean, uh, to accomplish goals and shit.

The True Meaning of Brahmacharya


"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” - Blaise Pascal
I would argue that preserving dopamine is as important as preserving semen. Really.
Semen retention is the doorway to realizing this. Semen retention is step one.
People think Brahmacharya is just celibacy. The word literally means "to live in higher awareness". What does this mean in relation to semen retention? Yes, retain. But you must also not squander your dopamine, just like you wouldn't squander your seed.
You are in the market, but not to buy anything.
This is a very important concept, and is the true meaning of Brahmacharya. It means you are immune to the seductions of the world, and those seductions come in the form of enslavement to dopamine.
You have controlled your lust for sensual pleasure, sensual pleasure meaning pleasure derived from any of the senses! One who has command over his mind and its lust for constant stimulation - that is a true Brahmachari.
It goes far beyond celibacy.
If you can't get through a few pages of a book without going crazy with the itch for dopamine, you need to work on this.
If you can't go even 20 minutes, never mind an hour, without checking your phone, your Snapchat, your texts.. You need a lot of work here.
Can't go a couple days without gaming? Need to work on this.
If you can't eat a home cooked meal without enjoying the flavor, and coming away satisfied, you need to work on this.
Perhaps most terrifying of all.. can you just sit and be still with your thoughts for five minutes? Ten? No phone, just you and yourself? Go to the local park, leave your phone at home, and just watch the world go by for 15 minutes. It will be torturous. Now ask yourself why the hell simply being is such a painful thing? I dare you to try out a float tank some time.

Addicted to Comfort

We're addicted to the good feelings dopamine provides us, but we're also addicted to our modern comforts. We're weak, weak little babies, and the slightest discomfort makes us cry for mommy.
This is where Stoicism and guys like David Goggins and Jocko Willink come in. According to Stoic philosophy, "the path to eudaimonia (happiness, or blessedness) is found in accepting the moment as it presents itself, by not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or fear of pain, by using one's mind to understand the world". Stoicism doesn't mean running from pleasure, but it does mean not mindlessly chasing it or shirking from a little discomfort.
Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of laziness, fear and discomfort, and it would do you well to remember this. Conquer those three, and you've conquered yourself.
If y'all aren't familiar with David Goggins yet.. Y'all are missing out. The guy went from a self-proclaimed pussy to probably the toughest guy out there, being the only member of the U.S. Armed Forces to complete SEAL training (including two Hell Weeks), the U.S. Army Ranger School (where he graduated as Enlisted Honor Man) and Air Force Tactical Air Controller training. Then he went on to break a fuckton of records, including the Guinness World Record for pull-ups, completing 4,030 in 17 hours.
Peep the dude's athletic accomplishments here.
Funny thing is, he started off as a self-proclaimed pussy, clocking in at 300 lbs.

https://preview.redd.it/8g6mq31r6in51.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=2b20a0ccd207f14f091eccb1985f91c846730395
Regaining dopaminergic tone only takes you so far - you'll only be motivated to do things in order to get that dopamine hit, and that's powerful, that gets the ball rolling, but it only takes you halfway. You gotta push past discomfort to be truly outstanding, or to be "Uncommon amongst uncommon men", as Goggins put it. Motivation is what gets you started - discipline is what keeps you going.
Figure out ways to practice and embrace discomfort, and, key to this practice, reframe it as something positive. You gotta heat iron to 2750 degrees and then beat the living shit out of it forge a sword, so use the heat of discomfort to make the mind malleable and then beat the shit out of it with difficult endeavors to forge a mind that isn't weak, that doesn't constantly chase after the tiniest empty pleasures and mortal comforts.

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." - Marcus Aurelius
“Don’t expect to be motivated every day to get out there and make things happen. You won’t be. Don’t count on motivation. Count on discipline.. Discipline equals Freedom” - Jocko Willink
"I had to build this callused mind, and I built it through suffering... I wanted to be a man who detested mediocrity.. This motherfucker is gonna keep coming after whatever the fuck is in front of him." David Goggins on JRE #1080

Tapas - Toughness Training

Each time you say no to a useless urge that pops into your head, you level up. You build up personal power. It's that simple. Any time you practice something that is good for you, but that is difficult and that you don't want to do, boom, you level up again. This is callusing the mind. Do this enough times, and one day a Warrior is born.
In yoga there is a concept known as Tapas), or spiritual austerity. Just as heating ice turns it into water, and heating water turns it into vapor, Tapas is the inner heat that sublimates the energy we conserve by retaining into pure, fiery drive. The word tapas literally means "to burn".
Any time you say no to an urge, or welcome and embrace discomfort in search of growth, you level up. It's that simple. That is what tapas is all about.
Stop chasing empty stimulation.
Embrace discomfort.

https://preview.redd.it/twr919ptfkn51.jpg?width=989&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bc1dc510d106a553b73a2c2b76ffa2fc9fb36065

Practices

So what is one to do?
  1. Cut out empty, short-lived dopamine highs.
  2. Train your brain to have to work for its dopamine hits.
  3. Practice beneficial discomfort and adversity.

Dopamine "Fasting"
Set a time limit on your phone for your biggest time wasting apps. You have to use some discretion here. I first had mine set for 15 minutes, and I'd only allow scrolling for 15 minutes in the morning, and 15 in the evening, and that was for Instagram, Facebook and Reddit combined. Nowadays I just pop on each app in the morning to check notifications, then log off. I also don't allow notifications from any apps except for Reddit, and that's only so I can keep up with you fellas. That way I'm not constantly getting updates on my phone, draining my precious attention and dopamine. Check out the app Forest.
Cut out junk food and eat as much home-prepped, whole foods as possible. A lot of people only find snacks, fast food and restaurant food palatable. Their tastebuds have desensitized and they basically get no dopamine released from actual food. Time to change that.
Practice intermittent fasting - You gotta break the chains to food in general! I have a 8:16 feeding window - all my calories are consumed within 8 hours. This means I don't eat until 10 am, and wrap up eating at 6 pm. Considering I'm asleep most of the fasting time, this is simple. Tons of other benefits, look it up.
Try occasional 24 hour fasts - Once you're comfortable with IF, try out the occasional 24 hour fast. Eat a big breakfast, and then a big lunch. Stuff your face up until noon, and then no calories until noon the following day. Your first couple times you can drink some bone broth if you're really hurting.
Fast for everything else - I highly suggest social media / gaming / Netflix fasts. Do one whole day with no screen time whatsoever. Then do a week. Every year take a whole month off. I can feel y'all cringing - if it makes you cringe thinking about it, then you know you need it. Do the same thing with whatever other addictions you have. You will be amazed at all the stuff you can accomplish when you cut back on social media, gaming and other time-wasters.
Start reducing consumption of booze, nicotine, caffeine, and other drugs. Again, this just floods your brain with dopamine. You're burning through your Jing each time you drink booze, smoke a cig, pop an Adderall or drink a Redbull. You don't have to quit, but reduce consumption of these things in general. Keep track and just slowly reduce.
Use nicotine/caffeine/booze for a purpose. Tie your addictions up to useful actions. I've whittled my caffeine use down to only before a workout or when writing. It's become a tool, instead of an addiction. Smoke cigarettes? Start changing your habits so that you mostly smoke while you're accomplishing some goal, or only as a reward. Love craft beer like me? You gotta earn that shit, son.

When the dopamine hits
Practice "sitting still, doing nothing" - This is one of the ways Taoists refer to meditation. I'm a big fan of meditation, but even most forms of meditation involve doing something, focusing on something, visualizing, etc. Sitting still, doing nothing, and just being should be your litmus test for how well you're beginning to progress on the dopamine recovery path - if you can just sit and be comfortable for 10 or 15 minutes, you're well on your way.

Earn Your Dopamine
In Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Recall - My Unbelievably True Life Story, he spoke about how as a child in Austria, his father used to make him do pushups each time he entered the kitchen, earning his meals. This always stuck with me.
A lot of people think that as guys, we have to earn our keep. This needs reframing.
As guys, we GET to earn our keep, and how glorious it is.
Set goals each day - start with 3, make 'em small, and stick the fuck to 'em. You want to achieve that "Winners Effect", where success begets more success. We want to rewire our brain to meet challenges head on, to live off the highs of accomplishments, not mashing buttons while staring at a screen, endless scrolling of social media black holes, or beating our meat.
Put a price on things - 15 pushups each time you open the fridge. 20 air squats any time you leave the house. 20 burpees before any screen time that isn't productive.
Easy Peasy or Worst First? A matter of personal preference here - some like accomplishing their biggest/least fun goal first and getting it out of the way. Other's prefer to ride the high of smaller accomplishments and let that lead into bigger daily goals. Find which one works best for you.
Leverage your addictions - Set it up so that you can only take part in your biggest time wasters after you accomplish one of your goals for that day. That said, don't accomplish one goal and spend the rest of the day lounging on Netflix.

Practice Adversity
Start waking up earlier - “The test is not a complex one: when the alarm goes off, do you get up out of bed, or do you lie there in comfort and fall back to sleep? If you have the discipline to get out of bed, you win—you pass the test. If you are mentally weak for that moment and you let that weakness keep you in bed, you fail. Though it seems small, that weakness translates to more significant decisions. But if you exercise discipline, that too translates to more substantial elements of your life.” - Jocko Willink
Cold showers - Lots of you guys are already doing this, and it has tons of benefits beyond toughness training. Cold exposure increases norepinephrine 200-300%, meaning an instant energy and motivation boost. It's even been studied for its effects on depression. Start hot and end cold, do contrast showers, cold the whole time, or ice bath style.. However you wanna slice it, this is a great way to get used to being uncomfortable.

Me in my cold tub in February
Exercise - if you already do it, great. You lift but hate running? Start running. You run only? Start lifting. Don't exercise at all? Get the fuck on it.
Meditate - If you don't meditate.. I just don't have words. Your mind is the medium through which you interact with the world, and therefore shapes your entire existence. The mind is how you
  1. Perceive the environment around you
  2. Perceive your internal environment (emotions)
  3. Get shit done
Meditation is the science of mastering your mind. If you've mastered your mind completely, you can get whatever you want done whenever you want it done, and will feel good doing it. There are a million ways to practice meditation. Find one you like and do it every single damn day. Period.
Embrace the Suck - doesn't matter what that suck is. Hate your math class? Nut up and just do your homework. Hate running? Time to start. When you start to get the feeling of straight UGH just thinking about it, recognize that as positive thing. That becomes the trigger for success! Befriend that feeling. Just remember, it will help you build that "calloused mind", and you'll get some dopamine upon completion, which is exactly what we want.
Feel the fear and do it anyway - This one might not be applicable for every single day, but if something scares you, that's your cue to go ahead and do it. Don't think, just act. Reframe it as excitement - in fact, fear and excitement are nearly identical internal states. We don't run from discomfort, we welcome it. We don't run from fear, we meet it head on.
In a nutshell, force yourself to do something you don't enjoy doing, but that is beneficial. And when your mind tells you to quit, keep going until you reach your predetermined goal.

https://preview.redd.it/hymmthe2fkn51.png?width=2032&format=png&auto=webp&s=b571f0b1414be9351c451ae11ba9f1a4f1193da1
Created an Instagram - @ sacred_seed_
Website is in the works, and there will be posts on the webpage that I won't be putting up on Reddit, because things like "Male Hormone Optimization" technically isn't about semen retention. If y'all like the flavor of these Reddit posts, feel free to check it out

Recommended Reading ~
The Oatmeal - 5 Stages of Caffeine Intake
The Oatmeal - The Terrible and Wonderful Reason I Run Long Distances - comic but very relevant
The Winner Effect - how winning begets more winning
Discipline Equals Freedom - Jocko Willink
Can't Hurt Me - David Goggins
Total Recall : My Unbelievably True Life Story
Recommended Viewing / Listening
Bill Hicks - It's Just a Ride - not relevant to this topic, but one of my favorite clips and relevant to life in general
Goggins on JRE #1080
Jocko Willink on JRE
How to be Comfortable Being Uncomfortable - 43 Weird and Wonderful Ways to Build a Strong, Resilient Mind
submitted by Fusion_Health to Semenretention [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 00:54 throwaway192132134 I ruined a 10 year relationship 9 years ago and ever since, I have done nothing but hurt the person I thought I loved. We just broke up and after looking back at our relationship, I hate myself for being such a piece of shit.

10 years ago I met someone who changed my life. It was my first real relationship and it felt good to spend time with someone who wanted to team up and "beat the world," and all that cute and romantic cheesy shit. Our first date was 19 hours long and every second of it was amazing. All of our friends from both sides loved us and thought we were perfect for each other. We felt the same way. She liked me because I had this air of openness and freedom much akin to being a hippy - I loved everyone because the universe was a fantastic place to be and every human in the universe, and their experiences, was an important piece of life. I was honest and open with her, was interested in everything that she was and would be, and according to her, confident. I loved her because she had her own interests that she was willing to share, she was thoughtful and caring, funny, beautiful, and interested in spending time with me. We fit well together, at least on those metrics.
I was also addicted to porn. At that point, I had been addicted for years because that was "all I thought I could get." I had a couple of short online relationships as well as some cringe attempts at starting relationships in real life so I was pretty discouraged. Porn was a crutch to get through not having any luck. It was a complete secret, of course, as I was good at hiding it after having to deal with roommates for years. By the time I had met my girlfriend I had remade myself to be a lot happier but the crutch of pornography was still there. I had the best of both worlds - someone who wanted to have sex with me and others who wanted to perform sexual acts for my personal gratification whenever and however I chose.
A year into the relationship, I exposed myself in public multiple times and eventually was caught and arrested. I immediately admitted guilt to the charge and went to trial and sat in absolute misery as I felt I had to pay for all of the other times I committed the act as well. I felt I had to throw my life away, or at least not allow my life to be worth anything because, how could it be? I listened to some people who saw the docket for the court session that day talking about my case while I was sitting right next to them. I let them blindly shame me. I sat in loathful silence and drank up every word of seething hatred and disgust for "that creep that preyed on people" because I wanted to hurt that much more. I wanted to pay for all of it at once. I was nearly suicidal but chose to endure everything because self-flagellation by emotionally beating myself into the ground and saying I didn't deserve anything felt like a just punishment for the way I acted towards my victims, my friends and family, and towards the person I loved. I felt I had disappointed everyone I knew even though they weren't aware - hundreds of people who still call me friend to this day do not know what I did, and I hate that at any point they could disown me. Despite coming to pick me up from jail from the initial arrest and after learning of the charge, my girlfriend continued to be there for me. She accepted that I had done something wrong and said that she forgave me because I had to deal with a problem, that she would support me, and that it would be okay. She gave me every bit of support that she could, but I never told her what really happened until years later. Sidenote: I also lied to my parents. I told them it was a fluke and it was a weird situation that got out of control. I couldn't admit guilt to anyone that hadn't already found out, and I was deathly afraid of revealing how truly awful of a human being I thought I was. I was crippled with fear of anyone finding out.
During that time of crippling fear and hatred for myself, I was looking for sexual validation. I couldn't trust my girlfriend's empathy because she loved me. Her opinion and feelings mattered, sure, but it was tainted by her wish to care for me. After being arrested I still poked around on sites like ChatRoulette and crept on people there; some that were interested and some that weren't. I wanted to feel the same sexual attraction and rush that I had before being caught because I couldn't handle a sexual attraction from someone who I had disappointed. I stopped this after a few months, but sexual interest in my partner didn't grow back. I escaped to porn again. We would have sex every once and a while but it was closer to once a month at best. Porn was every day.
A couple of years later, her father passed away. I became her support while she was crippled with her own feelings of depression that lasted more than a year. At this point, even if I was interested in sexual stuff with her, this was not the time. My addiction to porn became stronger because it helped me through a time period in which my girlfriend was emotionally distant.
As time went on and we moved in together and got engaged, the sex dropped off to zero. I guess my justification is that after two years of being engaged, no plans for the wedding had been started and as the joke goes sex is less likely when married anyway. There was always an excuse as to why she never started planning the wedding that she opted to be in charge of planning - where do you even start? should we hire a planner, but they cost too much? I joked with her about it, offered to help, gave some advice, but it never changed. I guess I was turned off by her lack of motivation and of course, turned towards easy access to millions of videos and pictures of willing participants on the internet whenever I wanted sexual gratification. I was getting married regardless of the amount of sexy we were having. More importantly, though, I had gained a significant amount of weight and was less active. I was focusing more on playing video games and eating bad food rather than caring about myself and our relationship. Attempts at sex were made but it didn't feel as good as masturbation could ever feel. I wasn't in shape to perform at all and in one situation I had pulled almost pulled muscle and had to stop. Performance anxiety took over and added to the still crippling (but not as strong) fear that I had disappointed her enough in our relationship. As a result, it was easier to avoid more disappointment by never approaching an opportunity.
At no point did we ever discuss our wants or needs about anything. Not once did I tell her how I felt, nor did she tell me how she felt, but the reality at this point was that we were closer to roommates than romantics. She at one point brought up different love languages and we spoke about it - I was very physical (but not intimate) and she found love based on acts of service. This became a statement of our differences as we neared the bitter end of our time together. If you aren't familiar, read up here: https://cratedwithlove.com/blog/five-love-languages-and-what-they-mean/
Earlier this year we had a discussion with more detail about everything - the arrest that happened at the beginning of our relationship came up, our lack of intimacy, and the lack of desire to change. The pandemic had already hit in some ways so my stress levels were off the charts. She had already lost her job and was sitting at home alone for 8-10 hours a day only for me to come home and ignore her. I was complacent and wanted nothing more than to unwind after a stressful day at work instead of doing something like caring for the other person that I lived with. She would fall asleep and then I would stay up hours longer, sometimes not coming to bed until morning just to catch a quick nap. Sometimes I would fall asleep and she would stay up on the couch instead of coming to bed. We were on our own schedules that never lined up. We talked, we ate dinner, we watched shows together, played video games on occasion, talked about the news, but that was it. We were roommates.
This past week, we finally broke up. Initially, it was a soft "hey I need some space so I can figure things out and get some therapy, etc." She even mentioned couples therapy, so I had the hope that maybe we could work things out together. She went to her mom's place to spend a couple of days with her family and think things through. I told her "if you have to leave me to be happy I understand, your happiness is everything." I do care for her, but the reality is, I've spent the last week feeling suicidal, messaging her and apologizing for everything and pleading with her if there was a chance to get back together at some point in the future - unless my arrest and my lack of action were too much to bear. She asked me why I loved her and my answer was what I felt to be true. I asked her the same question. Her answer, in comparison, made me feel like mine was so shallow and empty and it made me feel like shit - like I never knew her in the first place. I felt like I had dishonored her by being nothing but a shallow person who just wanted a companion instead of being in a relationship with someone I loved for who they were. The breakup became final and she was going to start collecting her things. In between bouts of crying and punching myself in the head out of self-hating rage for being such a failure, I told her that when she comes to get her stuff, I did not want to be there.
In the middle of the night, I packed up all of her stuff because of a frantic grieving episode. She initially wanted to meet and to talk in person while packing things but after I had mentioned that I had packed up her things, she felt I was being passive-aggressive and that I resented her for her decision to leave me. She asked that I not be present when she was packing as she didn't want to deal with me while her family was helping. I apologized and said that the reason I did it was not to be passive-aggressive, but I just needed something to do so that I would stop hating the truth that I had been a failure. I had not even thought about it being passive-aggressive, I was just dealing with the feeling of 9 years of inadequacy and disappointment all at once.
As of today, some of the items have been taken - some items I was not expecting, and others that I was hoping would be gone. Every time I look at the remaining pile of items I have a dreadful feeling of immense sadness and disappointment in myself for failing to act in a way that was meaningful towards the person I thought I loved. I hate looking at what is going away, what I am losing in my life. I hate that it feels like a huge part of me is dying, and I wonder if it's losing the woman I loved or if it's the thought of losing a nameless companion that made me feel not alone. Many shelves are empty, bookcases are empty, the computer I had built for her is now turned off and the desk is no longer covered with her little knick-knacks. The house is silent unless I make a noise, and the only noises I am making right now are noises of grief and sorrow. Everywhere I look I get this paralyzing feeling of loss and the need to punish myself for failing to be better to her.
The lease on our apartment was only achievable because she was present when signing it, otherwise, my criminal record would not allow me to live in the apartment we are in. For the first time in my life, I now have to make a budget to see if I am going to be forced out of my living arrangement and have to deal with the fallout of being rejected in just finding a place to live. It may even be the case that when I renew the lease without her that I am no longer allowed to stay anyway. The paralyzing fear of what I was afraid of years ago is coming back: What if I lose my job? What if I lose my home? I have no family in the area so who can I count on to help? I've shaken off so many friends over the years simply because we lost touch as I found new friends that were mutual to myself and my girlfriend. Who is left? Or am I already alone? This anxiety pales in comparison to my victim's fear of my actions so many years ago, but my contrition comes through feeling as they did - confusion and loneliness.
Last night I laid down and scrolled back through my Facebook messenger app because I wanted to see how my attitudes had changed over the years, to see who I had talked to and what friends I had been subconsciously ignoring. What I found and focused on, however, were a couple of chats between me and other women that I feel were not entirely platonic. Nothing that turned too serious, and there were only a few (3), but looking back to nearly a decade ago while I was in a relationship with someone I should have been paying attention to, they look inappropriate. I feel I can justify most of the conversations through the lens of my hippy-esque attitude at the time, but it doesn't make it right. All of those types of conversations started before the arrest and definitely stopped around the same time that I stopped seeking sexual and emotional validation from strangers on the internet, but the conversations were inappropriate in the sense that I used to have a crush on one of the women. In our conversation, I was actively trying to hang out with her before she moved. Not once did I mention my girlfriend. I cannot remember if I mentioned her when we were talking in person but the remainder of the message logs just talk about them moving away and me being glad to see them one last time before they went. Maybe it was platonic, but since all of my thoughts are pushed towards punishing myself for being a disappointment, maybe it was me shifting my emotional interests away from my significant other. All I know is that these conversations cover about a 6 month period from before to after the arrest. Looking back on this makes me feel horrified that I dishonored the one I thought I loved by being emotionally unfaithful. There was a large gap of no odd conversations or wrongdoing, but years later I attended a trade show conference where I connected with someone. I specifically didn't mention my girlfriend to this person either until the end of the conference. We didn't do anything physical - we just spent time at a couple of bars and with other people, but we also talked alone a couple of times. We talked about life and feelings and interests, but we also flirted. I could sense their interest in me and I let it play out a little bit because it made me feel wanted. I eventually said that I had a girlfriend because I started to feel guilty as the situation did start to get serious, but the feeling of being wanted by a new person was an incredibly empowering feeling: "I am wanted by someone who has no way of knowing that I flashed people in the past, and if I said yes right now I could go back to their hotel and have sex with them." I kept in touch with that person for a short while after the trade show but then we broke off contact, which was the right thing to do... but the infidelity was already there. I went home to my then-fiancee and did nothing to make her feel as wanted as a complete stranger had made me feel. I never told her because of how ashamed I am of it.
So, 9 years ago I ruined my 10 year-long relationship. In a sudden tidal wave of depression and panic she left me because for years, we never talked about our intimacy problems, about my secret fidelity issues, and about my addiction issues. I didn't want to talk about them. I wanted to have a normal, happy relationship with all the white picket fence bullshit. Even now we are talking, and we deeply care for each other, but I wonder if I'm doing it out of self-preservation in hopes that I magically end up in a relationship that I can be complacent in again, or If I am doing it out of love and affection for an actual person that I want to succeed in life. I can't tell the difference because right now it is more important for me to punish myself for my failings and disappointments. I have lost 15 pounds in the past week because I have pretty much stopped eating except what I can down just out of necessity. I delight in the sense that I am wasting away. I have cried now more than any other time in my life and I deserve to be sad and alone. I ruined the majority of someone's early adult life by being a selfish, loveless, creep.
submitted by throwaway192132134 to confessions [link] [comments]


2020.09.15 16:31 n0thric Finding My Soulmate - Part 4

Here is part four of my story. The story is 100% true - the only things that have been changed are the names. This part was difficult to write. I tried my best to condense a large amount of time in to a few pages without it feeling rushed. I'm only posting the remaining parts of the story here on my profile because it doesn't seem fitting to put them anywhere else. Messages & chats are welcome and encouraged. Henry Thomas
Previous parts: Part One Part Two Part Three
Aftershock
“I’ll call you back in a bit. I can’t talk right now.” I heard a flurry of activity in the background. And with that, she was gone. I sat there for a moment. My body was numb. I kept looking around the room trying to figure out if this was all just some fucked up dream.
My body was on autopilot when I picked up the phone. I dialed Thomas.
“Hey, what’s up?” he answered excitedly.
“He’s dead. Henry is dead.” I sobbed.
The other end of the line was silent for a few long moments. “Come pick me up.”
I climbed out of bed, threw on some clothes and jumped in the car. I don’t even remember driving there but I arrived at Thomas’ house. He ran out and jumped in my car. “Drive somewhere.” He could tell by the look on my face that this wasn’t just some fucked up joke.
I pulled out and drove toward a nearby park.
“How?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Fuck.”
We drove in silence the rest of the way. I parked and we got out of the car and walked over to a nice sunny spot and sat down. “So now what?” Thomas asked.
“I mean, I’m thinking of going to join him to be honest.” I admitted.
“If you’re going to be with him, I’m going too.” he said flatly. It wasn’t a threat to make me back out. He was simply ready to follow me if that was what I decided.
We sat in silence for what seemed like ages. He finally asked, “What will happen to his mom if we kill ourselves?”
I thought about it for a bit. “I’m not sure. I’m worried that she might too.”
“Doesn’t he have a little sister?” he asked.
“Yeah she’s a senior in high school this year.”
Silence. We were both still so stunned neither of us was crying.
“Fuck. I can’t do that to his mom.” I admitted.
“If you’re staying then I’ll stay with you.” Thomas put his arm around me.
My phone rang in my pocket. It was his mom.
“Hello?” I tried my best to not break down.
“Oh Drew. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved him.” Did she though? She was clearly trying her hardest not to cry. “We could use your help. You knew him the best and we aren’t sure what he would want. Would you be comfortable helping us make those decisions?”
I was holding the phone away from my ear a bit so that Thomas could hear what was being said. “Yes I could help. What happened to him?”
She paused for a second trying to understand my question. “Oh my God, I didn’t even tell you yet. I’m sorry my mind is gone.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize.”
“He had a rolled up bill next to him and there was a baggie on the desk. The detectives assume it was cocaine that had been laced with something.” She paused. “I… I found him slumped in his computer chair. I’d heard him talking to you a few minutes before.” She broke down. Tears were running down my face but I was doing a good job of not sobbing and making it more painful for her. Thomas squeezed my shoulder.
“We don’t know what he would have wanted. Would he want to be buried? I don’t think he liked the concept of being buried in a graveyard, but I’m just not sure. Would cremation be better? He loved science so we thought maybe we should donate his body to science.” I cringed visibly when she said that. The thought of his body being messed around with by strangers struck a nerve.
“He would want to be cremated. He enjoyed hanging out in graveyards because they are peaceful but he hated the idea of being buried.” I said with conviction.
“Okay, that’s what I thought but I knew that you would know.” She sounded relieved. “I think that he would want you to have some of his ashes so once I have them I will set some aside for you.”
As soon as those words escaped her mouth I lost it. The emotion came crashing out. I dropped my phone and sobbed. Thomas held me as I wept for a minute or two. I finally pulled myself back together and picked the phone back up. “Sorry. I’m trying to keep it together.” My voice was ragged.
“Do you have someone there? Are you, okay?” She was clearly worried that I was considering doing exactly what I’d been considering doing.
“Henry’s friend is here with me.” I told her.
“Could I speak to him for a second?” she asked. I looked at Thomas and he nodded his head. I handed him the phone.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” his voice cracked. He listened for a bit. “Yeah, I’m going to stay with him and make sure.” He listened a bit more. “Okay, talk to you soon.” He handed the phone back to me.
“We are thinking that he wouldn’t want a traditional service?” she asked.
“Oh no way, he hated those.” I recalled all the times he had complained about how much he hated going to services.
“Okay, we are thinking just an open house where his friends and family can come by the house and pay respects. Nothing formal.”
“I think he would like that idea.”
“Will you be able to come out for it?” she asked. “He would want you here.” Her voice cracked.
“I think my passport has expired… I don’t know if I can get it renewed in time.” I began to panic.
“You don’t need to be here that day. Anytime you can make it here, we… I want you to visit.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”
“We are going to post that he passed away on Facebook this afternoon. Who should we reach out to besides family before we do that.” she asked.
“His friend Ron should know. If you do that, I will message Sara and tell her. I think Henry would want me to do that.” I tried to think of anyone else that should be told personally. “I can’t think of anyone else.”
“Okay. I have so much I have to do. Is it okay if I call you back later?” she sounded overwhelmed.
“Of course.” We hung up and I sat in stunned silence. Never in my wildest dreams did I suspect that I would have to decide what to do with Henry’s body.
“Does anyone else know?” Thomas asked.
“That he’s dead?”
“No… that you two were together.”
As soon as Thomas said it, the realization of the situation washed over me. We were the only people who knew that he was gay. “No, just you…” the tears started to fall again.
“Do we… tell people?” He reached over and grabbed my hand.
“We can’t out him after he’s gone…” It was a question as much as it was a statement. I locked eyes with Thomas to see if he agreed.
“You’ve got to at least tell his family. Otherwise they won’t understand what you were to him.” he pointed out.
“She said she was giving me some of his ashes. What more could I want? That’s all that matters. I don’t need to out him.” my mind was a mess. I typically excelled at thinking through complex problems, but trying to assign logic to emotional decisions just wasn’t working.
“You need to tell Sara?” Thomas reminded me. I had already forgotten.
“Fuck. Yeah.” I opened Facebook Messenger. I didn’t know what to say. I opted to simply say that Henry had passed away and that there would be more details posted on Facebook soon.
The rest of the day was a blur. Thomas got me back to my place and we sat on the bed in a daze. The Facebook post set off a storm of messages. Henry had always kept me separate and apart from his friends back home. I think it was his way of making sure that he could share anything with me and know that it was safe - so I was spared from the vast majority of the message storm. A few people who were mutual friends of Henry and I on Facebook reached out to see if I was okay. I simply said ‘No’ and none of them followed up with anything else.
Thomas sat there, shell-shocked. “What the fuck is going on?” It was too much for him to even process.
“I don’t know dude.” My mind couldn’t focus on anything.
“Have you eaten yet today?” he asked me.
“I don’t know... “ I couldn’t remember. Thomas went downstairs and made me some food and brought it back to my bed.
“Here, you need to eat.” I put some food in my mouth and began chewing. My body didn’t want the food but Thomas insisted that I finish it all.
The two of us sat there the rest of the weekend. Thomas made sure that I ate and forced me to take a shower. My passport was expired so I wouldn’t be able to attend Henry’s service. Part of me was relieved. There was no way I could be there without giving away how much I cared for him. That would end up creating drama I wanted to avoid.
The next week was incredibly hard. I went to work and pretended that my entire world hadn’t just crashed down. Thomas moved in with me to make sure that I was okay. The service came and went. His mom sent pictures.
I made plans to visit her the week after Christmas. I just went through the motions of life each day. Every night Thomas would lay his head on my chest and I’d scratch it and try to fall asleep. After a week of little to no sleep, Thomas came up with an idea. He took a shower and then put on some of Henry’s deodorant and cologne that he had left at my place. He climbed into bed and snuggled up with me.
I immediately broke down and snuggled up next to him. After crying for what seemed like hours, I was able to finally fall asleep. With my eyes closed it was as if Henry was still laying beside me.
The Visit
Hours bled into days. Days bled into weeks. I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I couldn’t celebrate. There was nothing left to be happy about.
The date of my trip finally arrived. I hadn’t bothered telling anyone I was going except for Henry’s mom and Thomas. I had never flown before because I was terrified of dying in a plane crash. I didn’t care about that anymore.
As I approached Henry’s hometown I thought it looked oddly similar to my own even though it was on the other side of the continent. His mom met me at the airport. It was our first time meeting in person. I tried to hide my pain. I did a poor job of it.
She drove back to her house. Things had quieted down. She still had her Christmas decorations up. I recognized all of them from Henry’s Snapchats over the years.
“Are you okay with sleeping in his room? I should have asked you that before I told you not to get a hotel.” she looked concerned.
“I want to sleep in his room.” my voice cracked. She nodded and led the way.
“I’ll give you some time to unpack and get settled. I thought we could drive around and I’ll show you all his favorite spots?” she said, clearly unsure of my reaction.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” the tears started flowing freely. She left to give me some time. I sat on the bed and looked around a room I knew almost as well as my own even though I’d never set foot in it. After hundreds of hours of video chats and thousands of Snapchats, I knew every inch of his room. I opened his closet. All his clothes were hung organized by color, just the way he liked it. I started to flip through his shirts.
There was the shirt that he wore the first day I met him. The shirt he wore the day he said we should spend our lives together. The shirt he was wearing that day in my car when he decided we should be more than friends. I collapsed on the floor. I didn’t even try to hide my sobbing.
On the floor of the closet were his favorite shoes. He had worn them during countless of our memories together. I picked one up as if it were the most valuable object in the entire world. His mother walked in to check on me and found me there holding a shoe.
“Oh Drew…” she picked me up off the floor and gave me a hug. “How do we get through this?”
“I don’t know…” I sobbed. “Can I see his ashes?”
“Drew, his dad picked them up from the funeral home and won’t give them back to me.” her voice trembled.
“Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe it. Actually, knowing his father, I could believe it.
“Yes, I’ve been asking for them back for over a month now.” she admitted. “I didn’t want you to get upset so I didn’t want to tell you.”
Anger suddenly changed into panic. “He’s not going to spread him somewhere is he?” The thought of Henry disappearing into the wind before I got a chance to say my goodbyes terrified me.
“I don’t think so. He wouldn’t dare.” We both knew that was a lie. He would dare.
After taking a while to collect myself she took me on a tour. She showed me where Henry went to grade school. The old family house where he was living when we first met. The parks and playgrounds he used to hang out in. I had her take me to his favorite back road to drive fast on and the cemetery he used to hang out in and smoke pot. She drove past a baseball field and said that was where he used to play his baseball games. “He loved catching.” she stated. I involuntarily snorted. As soon as I did, a look of terror formed on my face. “What’s so funny?” she asked.
“Oh nothing. We just used to have an inside joke about baseball.” I dodged.
I asked her to take me by a dozen or so other spots that he had wanted to show me. I think she was a bit surprised by the number of places he had told me about but she seemed happy to show me around.
That night she made me one of his favorite meals. It was delicious but I had a hard time eating it through the tears. She had left her Christmas decorations up because she wanted to have me around for emotional support when she took them down. Henry had loved Christmas so much and so many of the decorations were ones that he had made for her.
As we took the decorations off the tree, she told me each one’s backstory. I took photos of all the ones that Henry had made her. It took us nearly 4 hours and a full box of tissues to pack away all the decorations. I was so glad that I was able to be there to help her with it.
His mom went to bed early that night and I stayed up for hours going through his room. Henry was the sentimental type and he also took great care of his possessions so there was a lot to go through. His clothes hamper was empty. His aunt had thought that she was being helpful by doing his laundry and washing his sheets a few days after he passed. His mother was devastated that there wasn’t anything left that smelled like him.
I shared her pain. He had left a dirty shirt and a dirty pair of boxer briefs at my place. I put them in Ziploc in hopes of keeping his smell on them.
I took one of his shirts that he had worn often when he was living with me and put it on one of his pillows. I sprayed it with his cologne. I crawled into bed in the darkness and clutched the pillow tightly. It would be the closest I would come to sleeping next to him in his room.
The next morning his mom asked if I could help her set up her new printer. I sat down at her computer and immediately noticed a list of 10 New England towns. “What is this?” I asked her.
“Those are the towns that I’m thinking of moving to in New England.” she replied.
“You realize that the one you have listed as number one is the town I grew up in right?” I asked. Her eyes grew wide. She apparently hadn’t known.
“I’ve been drawn to that town and I had no idea why.” she told me.
“Henry has been there a bunch of times with me. He loved it there.” as soon as I said it, tears started to well up in her eyes.
“That can’t be a coincidence can it?” she asked.
“You really had no idea that’s where I grew up?” I probed.
“No clue. But as soon as I saw a picture of it, I knew that’s where I needed to go.” she told me. We both knew that Henry had to have influenced her. She became even more resolute in her decision to move there as soon as she knew Henry loved it there.
The next few days were a whirlwind. His mom continued to show me around and arrange visits with his closest friends. She asked his father if he would like to meet me. His response was, “How dare you invite him here without asking me first.” Needless to say, we didn’t meet.
Henry had sold off some of his possessions when he was in debt before moving in with me. I got on his email and sent messages to all the people who bought items and told them the situation and asked if I could buy the items back. Everyone was nice enough to sell me back the items for what they had paid for them. One of the items I got back was a guitar that his parents had given him for his 14th birthday. When his mom saw that I got everything back she broke down.
Three days into my week-long visit, his mom got a phone call. Her brother had succumbed to cancer a few days before Christmas, but the family had agreed to wait until summer to have a funeral / celebration of life for him so that it would give people time to travel and see one another. Apparently her brother’s partner suddenly decided that she didn’t want to wait until summer. She was going to have a funeral in two days.
Henry’s mom didn’t know what to do. “I can’t NOT go to my brother’s funeral.” she told me.
“If you don’t mind me being here by myself, I don’t mind staying. You go be with your family.” I didn’t want to cut my visit short. I needed to spend as much time in his hometown as I could.
That night I dropped her off at the airport and went back to her house by myself. What initially seemed like a curse turned out to be a blessing. Having a few days to myself with Henry’s things was exactly what I needed. It gave me time to reflect on our time together. I was able to go through his computer and laptop and back everything up to an external drive and then sanitize it. There was no need for his family to find a gay porn stash.
His mom made it safely to her brother’s funeral. She sent me pictures of the service and it looked beautiful.
I asked her if it would be okay for me to take a couple of Henry’s things that only held sentimental value to me. She gave me her blessing. I immediately started a pile. I took his 3 favorite shirts, all but a few pairs of his boxer briefs, his favorite sandals, all the tickets and memorabilia left from the concerts that he and I had gone to together over the years, his wallet and his toiletries bag. I knew his dad would probably want his wallet but he could suck my dick. He wasn’t getting it.
His mom sent a text later that night that blew my mind. Henry would want you to have his car. Henry had a Miata that he had spent years fixing up. It was his most prized possession.
Are you sure? I asked her.
Yes.
I immediately went out and spent an hour prepping the car. It was way too far for me to drive it back so I would have to arrange to have it transported back at some point.
That night I sat on the spot where he died by myself in the dark. I talked to him and told him how much I missed him and how hard life was without him. I told him I forgave him for leaving me as soon as he did and assured him that I would take care of his mom. I talked for hours, hoping that he could hear me.
My visit finally came to an end. I packed up my stuff along with Henry’s possessions that I had picked out and headed to the airport. I returned home to begin my life without Henry. An adventure I was not looking forward to.
Part 5
submitted by n0thric to u/n0thric [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 00:16 Arcee_Noodles Email based or low bandwidth LDR couples counseling?

Hello,
I'm non-binary, 34 and my fiancee is a cis woman, 30. We've been together for a year and a half.
I'm stuck on a naval supply ship with low bandwidth and my partner and I are starting to fight. When we fight it gets extremely nasty and takes days or weeks away from our lives. Is there a way to get online couples counseling that doesn't require video chat or a certain website's proprietary chat engine to access? I can barely access reddit.No mobile apps, please, I don't get signal at sea. I need something via email or Facebook messenger, or something extremely lightweight and web based. Does that exist?
submitted by Arcee_Noodles to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 16:03 Meforeverandever Chat with a creep online

Hi!
I’m on mobile. English is my third language. And I tried to format this chat from my language to English the best I could.
I’ve been a single mom for about a year now and I was curious to check out internet dating for the first time in 15years. But dear lord...
First I matched with this buff looking guy that looked ok. I chatted a bit but didn’t give too much info about myself to start with. He just wanted my first name and where I live, but it’s such a generic name in my country and my small town, that I didn’t think anything of it and gave (only) my first name.
Then it went a couple days. I didn’t go to the internet dating site as I was busy and just not feeling it.
Suddenly I get a message on Facebook messenger.
(H: Him, M: Me)
H: - Hi OP!
M: -Uh, hi. Do we know each other by any chance? (He has only a pic of ufc fighters as a profile pic and his name didn’t ring a bell. Just noticed we had a couple friends in common on FB).
H: - It’s me. From the dating site. This is my phone number xxx-xxxxxxx we can talk that way.
M: - Oh, well hi again. How did you find me? (Confused and really not into talking with this stranger who suddenly stalks me on messenger)
H: - I’m crafty. ;-) I love that you love my looks! (He said I looked good before and I replied that he seems nice. Never said I loved how he looked)
M: - In case you want me to add you to my friend list I have to say I’m sorry but I won’t take new people there that I haven’t at least met irl.
H: - Yeah, but can we talk on the phone?
M: - I can’t. I’m sick, my voice is nonexistent right now and my asthma pipe is my best friend.
H: - What did you mean when your profile said you are a bigger woman?
M: - That I’m overweight due to my medication. I’m 156cm and 115kg.
H: - Do you want to know a secret?
M: - um, well why not.
H: - I love really curvy women.
M: - Well I have a few too many, lol!
H: - Do you have like big thighs, big butt and wide hips?
H: - OP!
H: - Hey OP!
M: - Sorry, my kids came from school. I have to go help them with their homework.
H: - Can you send me a few pics?
I didn’t want to so I claimed I just transferred my photos into a computer and I haven’t got any right now. He didn’t like that and we went on for a while because he wanted photos and I didn’t want to send. My intuition said something was up.
H: - Well I don’t use my phone at all for dating purposes. But can you at least tell me what you looks like? Do you have big boobs?
M: - It’s sounds to me like you are more interested in my looks then who I am or what kind of person I am.
H: - Well you got to start somewhere. (Send a pic of him in only his boxers and socks)
H: - Are you divorced? If so for how long?
M: - Yeah, got roughly a year ago.
H: - Have you had any in intimate company since then?
M: - Uh, no.
H: - Well I don’t blame you for looking for company.
I explained that I have nerve damage and severe nerve pain and have trouble moving around. I explained that I’m not looking for sex, but trying my foot to see what kind of people there is on the site. Nothing more at this point.
H: - Well what are you looking for a man for then?
M: - A life partner. I’m not after a nurse if that’s what your suggesting.
H: - Well how can you be with a partner if you’re sick.
M: - As I said. I’m just looking if there is someone out there for me. I’m not looking for a hookup.
H- You interested in something else? You’ll probably not find life company but a good date.
M - I’m not looking for that and if I don’t find a life partner then I’ll be alone.
H: - Some women say they are looking for a life partner but they want sex. And don’t admit to it.
M - I’m not one of those women.
H: - if you someday become my wife. Can you keep me satisfied?
M: - It’s hard to say if I can make you satisfied as a wife as I’ve chatted to you only a couple of times. And it sounds to me you’re more looking for sex then for anything else. And as I said. I’m not interested in a hookup.
H: - Aren’t you sexual in nature at all? If you’re in a relationship with someone and that person isn’t into sex then you have to find sex from someone else.
M: - Dear lord. (Starting to get really frustrated) First comes meeting someone a few times and a relationship and seeing if there’s chemistry between the two people. After that its time to see if you work together in bed too.
H: - Yeah but can you keep me satisfied? Why did your guy dump you?
M: - That has nothing to do with this.
H: - I’m really into you. We can be buddies. ;-)
M: - You seem to have some weird focus on sex.
H: - What do you mean focus? I did say we can be buddies.
M: - There are other topics in the world to talk about other then sex.
H: - I’m not interested in a nun.
I had enough and I blocked him.
Is internet dating really like this?? 😅
submitted by Meforeverandever to dating [link] [comments]


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268. Tai Lopez – Home Sharing Management Company
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271. Jason Capital – The DOMINANCE
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274. Ramit Sethi – How To Talk To Anybody (Complete)
275. Magnetic Influence – Dani Johnson
276. Lazy Consultant System – Mitch Miller
277. Professional Speakers Academy – Andy Harrington
278. Unlimited Persuasion Power
279. Creating Fame Complete – Laura Roeder
280. [Download] HypnoRitual
281. Conversion XL – Digital Psychology and Persuasion Minidegree
282. Fascinate Your 7 Triggers to Persuasion and Captivation – Sally Hogshead
283. Persuasion IQ The 10 Skills You Need To Get Exactly What You Want
284. Power of Persuasion – Eben Pagan
285. Unlimited Persuasion Power
286. Course Builder’s Laboratory – Danny Iny
287. Bob Proctor – Magic In Your Mind
288. Mind Body Eating Online Conference
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289. Steve Larsen – ChatBots For MLM
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291. Nick Moreno – Messenger Bots For Entrepreneurs
292. Scott Oldford and Katya Sarmiento – Bots for Business
293. Bastian Ernst – Funnel Bots Pro
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294. Asian Efficiency – Finisher’s Fastlane
295. Colin Dijs – December Mastermind 2019
296. The Lending Lead Gen Academy
297. Stu McLaren – Tribe 2019
298. Yuping Want – Sourcing Warrior Mastermind
299. Carl Allen – Dealmaker Wealth Society
300. Nick Torson & Max Sylvestre – Quit 9 To 5 Academy
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302. Get Aidan Booth and Steven Clayton – Parallel Profits
303. Harlan Kilstein – Sneaker Riches
304. Tony Robbins, Dean Graziosi – The Knowledge Broker Blueprint
305. Mitch Harper – 60 Day Startup
306. RSD max - The Natural
307. Guru Siphon Formula – 6 modules & 143 videos
308. Andre Chaperon – Lean Business For Creators
309. Todd Brown – Borrowed Best Seller
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310. Instagram Agent System
311. Conversation God 2019
312. Email Income Experta
313. Sales god
314. High Income Weekly Skills Training
315. Status Unleashed (bonus)
316. THE JASON CAPITAL COPYWRITING CERTIFICATION PROGRAM
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317. Tai Lopez - SMMA 2.0
318. Tai Lopez - Cashflow System
319. Tai Lopez - Digital Social Marketing Consultant
320. TAI LOPEZ – PRIVATE MENTOR CONFERENCE 2018
321. TAI LOPEZ –ENTREPRENEURS STARTER KIT
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322. DAN LOK – HIGH TICKET CLOSER
323. Dan Lok – Instagram Secret 2019
324. DAN LOK – PERFECT CLOSING SCRIPT
325. DAN LOK – TUBE YOUR OWN HORN
326. DAN LOK – 6 STEPS TO 6 FIGURES

IMAN GADZHI courses

327. IMAN GADZHI – AGENCY INCUBATOR
328. IMAN GADZHI – SIX FIGURE SMMA
329. IMAN GADZHI – INFLUENCER IGNITED 2.0
330. IMAN GADZHI – KAIZEN CURE
331. IMAN GADZHI – PEN TO PROFIT MEMBERSHIP

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2020.09.11 04:02 Melancholy37 The resentment grows

I'm on a phone so I apologize for formatting if it's bad. I had a feeling my husband was hiding something back in October of 2019. I decided to check his i-pad and found he was having an emotional affair via facebook messenger. He denies ever having a physical affair, but will I ever really know?
My father had suddenly died 8 months prior and I was in a brutal estate battle, so I couldn't fathom how my husband could do this to me during the worst time in my life.
I was so shocked I didn't check all of his messages, but it looked like it went on for about a month. I decided to also check his phone and saw he had talked to this woman 5 or 6 times.
Worse yet, when I dug even more, he had talked to her in September of 2018 as well, for a month or so. His cousin was helping him talk to the woman, they discussed her talking to my husband.
I married my husband December 2018, having no idea it happened the first time. I moved out November 2019 and we have lived separately since. We have continued to see eachother, but I refused to live with him after I found out what he'd done.
My husband blamed his heavy dose of antidepressant and an anti-psychotic med he was taking for the affair, saying it made him numb and have no feelings at all, he felt numb to any type of emotions.
I still don't think the meds could be blamed for the affair, he had a conscious choice and still knew right from wrong. My husband stopped the meds and says he realizes he made a terrible mistake, and loves me and wants to stay married.
I thought after all of this time (11 months) I'd feel better about my marriage, but instead I've found my resentment grows by the day.
I can't stop thinking about how my husband acted like this wonderful man, then betrayed me twice. I'm wondering if he isn't a narcissist and love bombed me in the beginning, because I truly thought he would never hurt me in this way.
I am an honest person so I tell him we need to divorce, I don't trust him and I'm not sure I ever will, some hurts cut too deeply to salvage a marriage. He asks me to please keep letting him try to be the man I need him to be. Has anyone here left their partner because time just made your resentment worse?
We both have kids, he has 2 boys and I have 1. My husband says they will be crushed if we divorce. Gee, he should have thought about that before he betrayed me.
I just don't know if I can get past this. I feel like the man I swore I knew and loved with my entire soul, was a lie and he never even existed.
I've thought about going to therapy, which I may. Cheaters are evil people and we are left to pick up the pieces after they blow up our lives.
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